A bit about me ....

1. How old will you be in 3 years? 37
2. Do you think you'll be married by then? Already married ... Since Sept 2004
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months? Hard to say ... Right now, my trip to Tampa and then ... who knows.
4. Who was the last person you called? My Dad
5. Have you ever played a team sport? Yes - basketball in grade school. At least 10 years of softball (maybe more), intramural in college: floor hockey, flag football; and I started the inaugural Girls Rugby Team down at UCF.
6. Who was the last person to text you? my sister, Jessica
7. Who was the last person you hugged? my ob/gyn, this morning
8. What were you doing at midnight last night? Feeding Joseph
9. Parents separated/divorced/married? Happily married for 36 years
10. Last time you saw your dad? One month ago
11. What happened at 9:00 a.m. today? I was in the Starbucks drive thru waiting to go to my doctor appointment
12. How many states have you visited? 14
13. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be? With my husband on vacation
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? bare feet
15. Are you a social person? Yes, I am, most of the time.
16. What was the last thing you drank? Starbucks
17. Favorite ice cream? Cold Stone's Cake Batter
18. What is your favorite dessert? Oreo Cheesecake
19. Whats your favorite color? blue
20. What Jelly do you put on your PBJ? grape or strawberry
21. Do you like coffee? Yes, especially these days
22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average? 6 nor 7?
23. What do you drink in the morning? coffee
24. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring? ew - gross ... without
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes, the left side (even without hubby here!).
26. Do you know how to play poker? kind of
27. Whats so good about Fridays? its the end of the work week ...when E was home it usually meant a night out
28. Any plans to visit the green monkeys on GoofyAuctions.com? ???
29. Do you eat out or at home more often? now-a-days ... at home
30. How big is your TV? 60"
31. Ever stolen a street sign? Nope - but we took a blinky.
32. Do you keep a piggy bank? Yes, but it is an old cup from the Tampa Superbowl!
34. Have you ever been in an ambulance? no
35. Do you prefer the ocean or a pool? pool
36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? aisle seat
38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? shoes ... or clothes that fit
39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? yes, my rings, watch and necklaces
40. Do you speak any other language? does toddler speak count?
41. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
42. Who is the funniest person you know? my sister, Jeanna
43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I did before I got married! I had a teddy bear someone gave me when I was 13
44. What is the main ring tone on your phone? The intro to Sweet Child of Mine
45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? yes
46. What is the color of your bedroom wall? white
47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? Yes
48. Are you crushing on someone right now? nope
49. Do you currently hate someone? always
50. Why do you take surveys? I get paid

Thursday 13

13 reasons I cannot WAIT to get to Florida:

1. 8 extra hands ALWAYS there to help

2. Watching my baby sister walk down the aisle

3. I can get a tan

4. I can GUARANTEE we will NOT see HIGHS in the 50's!

5. Hanging out with my family

6. Getting some spa time with my Mom

7. Joshua will have CONSTANT playmates

8. I can drink and party with the rest of 'em

9. Eating some good cooked meals (since I haven't done much of that lately)

10. Getting away from the daily grind

11. Green grass, leaves on trees, flowers

12. I can yell for help at 3:00 am

13. When I get back I will STILL have 3 weeks left of Maternity leave!

Wordless Wednesday

Mommy's Closet

Joshua's latest game is "I am Mommy." I think the MAIN reason he likes this game is because he tries to do stuff I tell him he cannot do. While he is Mommy, I am Big J. I am told to sit down, finish my dinner, etc. While I was getting some bills paid this weekend, Big J went through my closet (he is enthralled with my closet lately, daily, I get the question, "Mommy, can I play with your shoes?") and decided to play dress-up. Luckily, the boy in him came out, my straw hat became a cowboy hat (but my purse was still a purse!).

My Best Friend

Remember those days, back in high school, where you HATED Valentine's Day, or Homecoming Week or Prom season, when you were depressed because it seemed that EVERYONE had a boyfriend except you? Remember how you felt when girls were getting roses, kisses by their lockers, or were telling stories of their dates the weekend before. Were you jealous? Depressed? Pissed off? I am ALL of those things right now. I go to dinner with the boys and suddenly it seems EVERYONE around me is with someone. I watch the Cubs game and all I see are couples, couples, couples. I go for a walk with the boys and I see Moms AND Dads with their kids at the park, going to lunch, running errands. I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible. He is my best friend. Sometimes we don't act like best friends... shoot... sometimes you have to wonder if we treat our enemies better, but, in the end, there is no one else in this world that I would want to share my life with. I see that more now than ever. I gave my rings to the jeweler today to be cleaned and polished. Now I feel more alone than ever. I feel like he is getting further and further away from me the more that time goes on, and, technically speaking, he will be. Iraq is a LONG way away. His return date isn't even determined, heck, his LEAVE date isn't even determined. I just want him to go ... so that I can have him back.

I miss him.

Happiness

There ARE good things that happen in my life (do I just seem to write about the crappiness of it all?).

The past two days have been BEAUTIFUL. Seventy degree weather, long awaited, and MUCH loved.

We took a LONG walk to a park yesterday (those double strollers weigh a TON). Probably did a bit too much (I am VERY sore today), but, wow, what fun. Big J was a blast. Not one ounce of whining, asking for Max and Ruby or Dora, or wanting to get into something he isn't supposed to be in.

He played on the swings, slides, ladders .... he did it all. And he loved every minute of it. And as I watched him I realized that my little baby boy suddenly became my little boy ..... Its bittersweet. Even though there are times I could just send him to his room for the entire day, I love him with everything that I am. His smile melts my heart and his blue eyes show me that the future can be happy.

Oh what a trip to the park can do for someones psyche!

Claustrophobia

Well, have now entered hour FOUR of Joseph not calming down, screaming, thrashing and going nuts.

He has eaten, his diaper is clean, he is NOT gassy. I have burped him, rocked him, walked with him. Oh dear God, if this is the start of colic... shoot me now.

I have dinner dishes sitting on the kitchen table ... that Caesar salad I ate will NEVER scrape off of my wooden bowl if I don't get to it soon. My laundry will surely start to smell if I don't get it into the drier soon.

These are the times that I start to feel the walls closing in around me. It gets hard to breathe. I feel the panic welling up in my throat.

Can I please just catch a break a few a good nights in a row?

Thursday Thirteen

13 Songs that I Have to Turn Up in the Car (regardless of who hears):

1. Ride the Wind- Poison

2. Dreams - Van Halen

3. Superstitious - Stevie Wonder

4. Don't Go Away Mad - Motley Crue

5. Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford

6. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne

7. Don't Treat Me Bad - Firehouse

8. Walk - Pantera

9. One - Metallica

10. Just Rewards - Saul Williams

11. Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys

12. You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC

13. Night Moves - Bob Segar

Wordless Wednesday

Biggest Loser

I am watching The Biggest Loser (as I eat my strawberries and Cool Whip) and starting to feel motivated (isn't that the REAL reason we watch this stuff?). Too bad I cannot DO anything physical yet.

I can diet all I want, but what I have learned about myself is that if I am not pushing myself with the exercise, I lose the battle with the food.

It also doesn't help that I am an emotional eater. I am a bored eater. I am a mindless eater.

When I am sad I eat. When I am bored, I eat. When I am lonely, I eat.

I know I started my "diet" on April 1. I am doing "OK" ... not good, but "OK". My doctor appointment is on April 25th. I am hoping she will give me the green light to start working out. I will be in Florida for a couple weeks and when I come back, I am already signed up for Spin classes.

Obviously, I won't be able to go to all that I want (I used to do the 6AM class when Eric was here), since the classes start at 9, once I go back to work. But when I can, I will be there.

I WILL be the biggest loser .... and my husband is going to come back to the hottest wife.

Clothes Woes

Argh!!!

Frustration seems to be my middle name lately! Now, I KNOW I just had a baby a month ago, blah, blah, blah. But when, oh WHEN, is this swelling going to go away?!

I have a trip to Florida in TWO weeks and I have absolutely NOTHING to wear!!!! I am even having a hard time getting NEW stuff - since my belly is at least two sizes bigger than the rest of me!!!

When can I hit the gym and go to a spin class???????

Cute moment

So, I put Joshua to bed at 8:00. My girlfriend read him a bedtime story, I said prayers with him, and I kissed him good night. I always allow him to read his book if he wants, as long as he stays in bed. Typically, I go up and check on him 15 minutes later and he has crawled under the covers and fallen asleep.
I was sitting downstairs, enjoying the fact that BOTH boys were in bed, finishing my glass of wine and watching Dirty Dancing when I heard something upstairs.
I went to check on the boys. Joseph was still sleeping well. When I opened Joshua's door, there he was sitting by his nightlight with books scattered all around him and he was reading.
He said, "I am OK Mommy, I am just reading this book. I am OK. I will lay down when I am tired."
Aw! As much as I wanted him in bed, I am happy he is quiet and reading. Maybe this means I will get some extra sleep out of him tomorrow morning! It was one of those moments that brought tears to my eyes ... and I want to remember for a long time (especially during his next tantrum).

Work Update

Got a call on Thursday from my boss and HR. They were having JUST as much trouble with the case nurses as I was.
They thought it was ridiculous that they were trying to start me off in the middle of the week ... so I have my June 9 start date back (thank GOD!) HR said that, yes, my 12 week FMLA protected period was up on the 4th, but if my boss didn't mind (and what do ya know - he has a heart) I could start on that Monday.
In the meantime, ANOTHER case nurse called on Friday, my boss told me to ignore it and that we had the whole thing figured out.
THANK GOD!
Once again ... I am going to try and NOT think about work until the eve of June 8th! :)

Thursday Thirteen

13 Things I love about babies

1. They smell good after a bath

2. They smile when they are dreaming

3. Giggles

4. When they see you, they get excited

5. They grow every day

6. Wrinkles in their skin

7. Baby size noses

8. They grip your finger when you hold their hands

9. Cuddling

10. Footie pjs

11. Soft skin

12. Baby kisses

13. When they are FINALLY sleeping, it is truly peace on earth

Depressed and Irritated

Why is it that when you are depending on other people to take care of your livelihood - someone always seems to eff it up?
I get a message this morning from a case nurse at my job stating that no one received my C-section confirmation statement from the doctor and because of that, my pay was going to be suspended. Well, I spoke with ANOTHER case nurse last week who CONFIRMED that my fax was there and that my return to work date would be June 9 - 8 weeks paid and 4 weeks of unpaid FMLA.
So ... I get a call back - after MY return phone call to this lady - stating that she called my doctor and that part is fine, but my return to work date was MAY 9 (dude, I am not even going to be back from Tampa at that point!) because I had run out of FMLA?!??! WTF!!!
So, I had to correct her, like FIVE freaking times. She finally says, oh your boss hasn't approved your final 4 weeks (What does he think ... if he doesn't approve it that I will be back sooner? I have the law on my side buddy - and I am using every last minute of it!) ... and the date they had originally given me was wrong.
Now I return to work on June 4, a Thursday. This means that my LONG effing day in the office is that Friday, June 5. I don't know if I will be quite ready for that in a matter of one day! Day care by 6:45am, train by 7:00am, office by 8:30am, train by 4:57pm, day care by 6:00pm, home no sooner than 6:30pm. God HELP me! I may be burning a vacation day very quickly upon my arrival back! I thought maybe I would be able to EASE back to the dreaded office.... I guess that is a no go.
I am just totally depressed and irritated... and wondering what phone call I will get next telling me what is going wrong!
UGH!

Spring?!

Thank GOD the weekend weather was FINALLY what we have all been waiting for! Mid-sixties both Saturday and Sunday. I swear, I felt like a totally different person all weekend. Joshua had a hard time leaving the TV, but he got to play with some friends and I think the running around did him a lot of good.
It felt great to have the sun warm my face and to take a walk without shivering! I probably overdid the walking, etc. I keep forgetting I am still recovering from MAJOR ab surgery only three weeks ago!
I will say that I found myself getting jealous a few times this weekend. Seeing couples taking their children for walks or to lunch ... I miss my husband SO MUCH. I just want him to go and get this whole deployment thing over and done with. I want him home with me ... with us. I love him ... and I am so proud of him. But ..... walks and lunches would certainly sustain me during 3:00am, 3:30am and 4:00am wake up calls!

Venting and censorship

Got into it with Eric yesterday. When he called and explained to me that the military changed their minds on, yet, ANOTHER, set of dates - I lost it. I couldn't believe that an organization could be so completely DISorganized. I think the part that I am most upset about is that I want to see my husband before he leaves the country for a year ... and it doesn't sound like I will be able to. That is hard to swallow.
So .... I went off. And pissed Eric off in the process. He said I was being unsupportive. That irritates me a bit .... how can he tell the woman that is at home with his two sons night after night, taking care of bills, contractors, the house, family, etc that she is being unsupportive.
But, I did feel bad. The phone calls that we have been able to share are going to become few and far between when he leaves for Iraq. Why do I want to waste my precious air time venting to him about the stupid military? We talk about them enough. Isn''t that why I am doing this blog - to vent without upsetting anyone?
So .... I will try from now on, to NOT be so hasty in my remarks when he calls. I cannot censor ALL of my feelings - I will just be a better judge of which ones to express and which ones to express - elsewhere.

Friday Fill-ins .... and other stuff

Its amazing what a better night sleep can do for a person ... Joseph cooperated much better last night. We went to Target yesterday and switched his formula. Target makes a brand that has broken down whey protein, with 1/4 less lactose (the same as Good Start - which Joshua had to use) ... the good thing - its STILL $12 less per can then the Good Start and $20 less per can than Enfamil .... WHY would I buy the other stuff. I checked the can - it is all EXACTLY the same ingredients, I am just not paying for advertising dollars! So ... hopefully this formula switch can lead to kinder, gentler nights!
Trying to plan my next few weeks - I have a lot to do .... easy to out Joshua into day care ... but Joseph is still too young. I am going to need my haircut before my sister's wedding, maybe a few tanning sessions ... I just have to find time to get someone to come watch the little dude while I go about my business.
Wondering when my C-section belly will go away. I still don't feel comfortable wearing normal people pants (the gut still sticks out and the bruising is still pretty low on my tummy) ... I have one month till my trip to Tampa and my sister's wedding ... I need to figure this thing out. I have been doing pretty well on my diet - sticking to my 1600 calorie limit pretty well .... we will see how I do over the weekend!!!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins:
1. Tonight I saw (I will see) a friend for dinner.

2. Good music at a wedding makes me want to dance!

3. Spitting a few appetizers between friends is something I LOVE to do!

4. My friend Christy is someone I would like to get to know better.

5. Cubs games, lilacs and lawnmowers remind me so much of springtime.

6. I went to bed at 9:00 last night and that made it all better.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I am looking forward to having my girlfriend over for dinner and chatting tomorrow my plans include lunch with a dear friend and Sunday, we will head to Mass and maybe the Forest Preserve for a long walk in the 60 degree weather.

Party All Nite II

Another all nighter. This one started earlier though. Put the boys down at 7:00 (Joshua had no nap at school and was a real cranky pants). Thought I might have an extra hour to watch a bit of TV, talk with Eric or just sit and veg.
Joshua went right to bed. Joseph wanted to hang out. I brought him downstairs with me and he appeared to pass out around 8:00. I brought him upstairs. I BARELY made it to the bottom stair when the screaming started.
And then the game began, again. He was an awake, alert little boy from then until 10:30. Then we had gas plain issues until 12:00. Then it was play time again. Every freaking half hour he was whining or crying. I brought him into bed with me at 1:30. He fought everything until about 2:00 .... when I finally passed out. I woke up at 4:00 and figured I would put him in his bed. BIG MISTAKE. The crying began again and I had to hold him until 5:00. I went back to bed and passed out until Joshua started yelling at me at 7:00.
I am beyond exhausted. I am so exhausted I don't even feel tired any more. God did NOT want parents to go at this alone. How do people do it? Really? I know people do every day. I know some have their families there to help, but every night? What do they do?
I remember when Joshua used to have these nights. When I felt like bashing my head into the wall, I turned to Eric to help me out. Now, I just bash my head into the wall.
I have tried everything ... taking a break, counting to ten, saying a prayer, crying ..... it all just adds up to the same stuff - I am exhausted and want help.

Thursday Thirteen

13 Things that Drive me NUTS



1. People who cannot pick up their feet. If you cannot lift your heel the way we were taught, do NOT wear flip-flops. clogs or shoes two times too big for your feet. And do NOT walk one inch behind me throughout the entire mall!



2. Slow drivers in the left lane. Dude, get the hell out of my way. I am so glad the text message you are typing is so freaking important ... but I have somewhere to be ..... move over if you want to drive 45!



3. Daisy on Rock of Love II. OMG - is she really for real?????? She has over-injected lips, alien eyes and she looks like her face might fall off if she cries. And, the way she talks???????? "Dude, I effing love my man Bret, he rocks." Who talks like that??????



4. People who cannot drink a can of pop. Take a freaking sip, already! Do NOT slurp the pop from the lid of the can!



5. Drex in the morning. When I hear his voice I want to regurgitate.



6. People in the grocery store who park their cart in the middle of the aisle while debating between which brand of spaghetti-o's to buy. And when you say, "excuse me" they pretend they don't hear you!



7. People who make a coffee concoction at the cream and sugar bar at coffee shops. Pour your cream, take the sugar packets and your stirrer and get out of the way for the rest of us.



8. Neighbors, walkers, runners who cannot say hello when you walk past them. When did we turn into such a rude world?



9. Crotchety people who make snide comments when they see me walk into a restaurant with my son. He isn't that badly behaved, I try and keep him under control, and I have as much right to eat out as you do.



10. Senior Citizen Discounts. They get breaks on airline seats, trains, buses. Yet, families of middle America struggle to make ends meet. Your butt takes up just as much room as my son's, yet you get a deal, fair????? Nope.

11. People who are walking out of a store or restaurant, know you are behind them, and STILL let the door slam in your face. I hope someday it slams them in their behind. Rude.

12. People who look at something on your plate and say "Eww, what is that?" Um, are we ten? Grow the eff up!

13. People who have to to be the first on/off a train, plane, etc. In order to do this they will knock over a pregnant woman, an old lady or a child.

Official end of freedom scheduled

Got my official return to work date today: June 9th. I am a free woman until then. It sounds so far away - but when I look at my calendar, it looks like tomorrow.
I am hoping once the weather gets nicer, and I heal some more, I will take advantage of every opportunity I have during this maternity leave. I want Joshua to enjoy his time at home with Mommy (without always watching TV), and Joseph to get the swing of things in this crazy family.
I also want to enjoy the days myself .... get some shopping done, some pampering ... some ME time .... once work starts, those things will be few and far between!!!!
Now .... to just think about the first "me" thing to do.........

An Inventory of my "Incompletions"

1. Things I want to start but haven't started:
Exercising ... once I get the green light from the doctor I will have no excuses.
Believing that I will survive until Eric comes home.
The T-shirt quilt that I have been wanting to make since 1999.

2. Things I want to change but haven't changed:
My body. Even without the baby I have some parts I have to change.
My attitude - I have to become more optimistic.

3. Things I want to stop but haven't stopped:
Worrying.
Procrastinating

4. Things I started but haven't finished:
Scrapbooking - I so badly want to start back up again.

5. Things I want to do but haven't done:
Have a girls getaway weekend.
Visit Medjugorie.

6. Things I want to say but haven't said:
I want to tell a few "friends" that you are NOT as important as you think and I have no time for you.
I want to tell an ex-boyfriend that his abuse only made me stronger.


7. Things I want to learn but haven't learned:
I want to learn how to sew better.
I want to learn to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to learn how to hook up my entertainment center ... I feel like such a dufus!!!!!

8. Feelings I have but haven't expressed:
Anger towards people who have hurt or ignored my husband.
Sadness over the lack of involvement my in-laws have with my children.

And so it begins .....

I had to create a separate post for this - since it is just for me. Today is April 1 ... and no fooling .... I start my diet today. I WILL fit into my regular clothes this summer ... I have no choice!!!!!
I am doing http://www.fitday.com/ like I did the last time. I am going to limit myself to 1600 calories a day ... more on the weekends if I want (hey, I girl has to have SOME fun sometimes)! I figure if I go for 1600 and I hit 1800 or so, then I am still doing pretty well.
Obviously I still cannot work out (wish I could - it would be a super way to regroup from these kids) so I will just be concentrating on the food aspect of it all.
My goal? Well - the first part is to just fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. The second part - this comes later - will be to lose that final ten pounds I was going for BEFORE I even GOT preggo with the second!!!!

Wish me luck!!!! It isn't going to be easy since some of the only fun times I get to have during the day is eating! :)

Party All Nite?????

Well- I have had my first all-nighter with this kid. I laid down in bed at 9:30 .... read my magazine for about a half hour, turned out the light and thought I would have about two or so hours until he woke up. He started screaming at 10. I fed him ..... we then played the up and down game every half hour until FIVE this morning ... when he finally gave up - what drove me the MOST nuts???? He wasn't screaming or crying when I would go in to get him ... he was wide eyed and awake! AGH!
Joshua woke up at 7:00 and I thought I was dreaming ..... at least with one kid you could catch up during the day .... with two ... I have to be on ALL day! I have had my first - of many, I am sure - cup of coffee and I am trying to figure out what we could do today that wouldn't require my eyes to be open!
I really do think God is having a good time with me .... maybe He went on vacation when it came time to plan my life out these past few months. Could He give me ONE break? We all thought this was an easy going baby .... then my parents left and all hell broke loose.
I just don't get it .... I really don't. I know I am blessed - these boys are awesome ... but could I catch a break in raising them ... I think I am going nuts ... really, I do!