Fukudome.......

I think Sammy Sosa has finally been replaced in this town ..... What an awesome way to have a Home Opener ... a 3-run HR in the 9th!!!!

SWEET!!!!!!!!! Too bad the Cubbies couldn't pull out the victory ... I just hope this promises to be an exciting year! I need all the good distraction that I can get!

A weekend reflection

The weekend has past. It was a good one - but also a hard one. Had a lot of company both Friday and Saturday ..... but Sunday I was on my own completely. I broke down around 5 .... bath time for Joshua. Had him in the tub, Joseph was screaming, I was still feeling miserable. I just wanted to quit. All I could keep thinking was - I have to do this all on my own for over a year????? Then Joseph was up from 7 till midnight with stomach pains ..... I just cried at one point. What I wouldn't have done to have ONE person call and say "What can I do for you?" because it would have FINALLY been a time that I would have said "I need help." Ugh ... once again, I wonder where some of those "helpful" people are now that the shock has worn off from all the news.
I know it will get easier, doesn't it have to? But right now, I am just not able to clear the fog from my eyes and see a silver lining. I am tired, I am beat, I am overwhelmed. But - I will push on. I have to.
Joshua went to school today ... he hated every second of the drop off ... I literally had to peel him off of my leg. As much as I felt bad for him, I knew he needed a break as much as I do! I plan on getting a nap in at some point this afternoon .... the house is clean, the laundry is done so I am hitting the couch and watching (hopefully) a bit of the Cubs opener.
Speaking of the Cubs .... we finally made it to Opening Day! Don't know if they will get the game in because of the thunderstorms (thank God it isn't snow!). I can handle it!!!! Maybe this will be the year.

Friday fill-ins

1. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, others for just a moment in time.

2. Poison is the last concert I saw; it was lots of fun, and the 5th time I have seen them.

3. Spring should be here already.

4. Oh no! I forgot to get a form for maternity leave signed when I was at the doctor this morning, now I have to take the boys and make a special trip back to get it done!

5. I've recently started to plan my diet, which officially starts April 1.

6. Joshua and Joseph never fail to make me smile.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I am looking forward to watching a movie with my girlfriend and catching some zzzz's, tomorrow my plans include coffee? maybe lunch out? my other girlfriend coming over for some dinner and wine, and Sunday, I want to get to Mass, clean the house a bit and catch a nap.

Sad ....

Mom and Dad left this morning. Thank God I had a friend here so I could cry on someones shoulder. Crying seems to come easy these days ... not that I don't have reasons to: Eric deployment is now scheduled to be longer than expected, I am on my own with two kids, Spring looks like it may NEVER get here, I caught the world's WORST cold and I cannot even talk ... on top of all that add the hormones that are raging out of control and I am one big tear making machine.

Its Friday afternoon and I must say, the excitement that I would typically feel on any given Friday is just here. I never thought I would miss having my husband around as much as I truly do. Even with my parents here, there was a huge piece of my life missing that I cannot seem to get past. The problem? I HAVE to get past it ... otherwise, the next year and a half is going to be long and tedious. I know I can do it ... I just don't want to. Maybe I should start playing the lotto .... I could win enough to quit my job, travel whenever I want, hire people to take care of everything, and pay the military off to send my other half home! Wishful thinking, huh?

Joshua is walking around telling me, "Mommy, I am sad because Grandma and Grandpa left." Tell me about it kid! Now - every dirty diaper, every 3 am wake up call, every dirty floor - it is all MY responsibility again.

I have a few friends - and I use the term "friend" VERY loosely - who just do NOT get it. They don't get that not have your husband here for a year and a half changes your life completely. These are the same people that promised they would "help in any way they could" when they found out that Eric was going. Now, he has only been gone for 3 months - with at least 15 or so left - and where are they? It took them two weeks to write and email and say "congrats on your baby"????????? These are - once again - the same people that I went OUT OF MY WAY for when their children were born. Whatever.

I have a theory ... certain things in life help you see who is truly THERE for you - regardless of family or friend - weddings, births and crisis ...... my wedding helped weed out quite a few "friends" .... the birth of Joshua weeded my social circle down a bit more .... and now, this situation that I have been put in? Well, I am finding out family members - on his side AND mine - who are willing to go the extra mile, those who don't quite know the meaning of family, and those who are so self-centered that they don't even know about all of this. The same is true for friends .... I am seeing those who are truly Heaven sent .... and those that can be sent elsewhere.

A little deep for a Friday? Blame it on the hormones. :)

I plan on having a girlfriend over this evening (the same one that was here this nmorning - God bless her) ... we will drink some beer, eat some pizza and watch a movie and maybe some basketball ..... These girls nights are just going to have to replace date nights for a few years for me ......

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Boys that Have been in My life:

1. Clay - the boy we had to carpool with in 1st grade. He carried a Kiss lunchbox and talked too much. I didn't like boys very much after talking with him.

2. Chris- the boy that moved next door in 7th grade. I had the world's biggest crush on him until high school .. once I got a serious boyfriend, he suddenly wanted to pay attention to me!

3. Joe- my first date (although my dad had to drive). Met him my freshman year of high school, talked to him every night by phone for at LEAST 2 hours and took him to my turnabout dance. He was a huge metal fan and we used to watch Headbangers Ball "together" over the phone every Saturday night.

4. Mike - my first "real" date and kiss my Sophomore year. He drove, we went to a movie and he parked his car so he could kiss me. He kissed like a lizard .... that was our first and last date.

5. Brian - my first love. I met him the summer before my Junior year and we were attached at the hip. He was a Senior and left for college. He broke up with me after a year and broke my heart into thousands of pieces.

6. Kevin- was a friend before we dated. He left for the Navy in my Senior year ... we dated whenever he came back to town.

7. Brian - a blonde hair, blue eyed surfer wanna be who took me out on a date two weeks before we were moving out of state. We messed around while watching "The Doors". He kissed so oddly - I ended up with a raw spot over my lip .... but he sure was cute!

8. Ryan - my first Florida boy. Big player. Cute but dangerous.

9. Joe - a rugby player that I look back on and question my judgement. He wouldn't leave me alone after I tried to dump him .... had to lie and tell him I talked with my high school sweetheart (Brian) and we were going to get married .... he finally left me alone!

10. Steve - the alcoholic boy I dated my last two years of college. All he ever wanted to do was drink and party .... but suddenly wanted to get romantic when I was breaking up with him.

11. Rick - the single Dad that proposed way too quickly and then changed his mind. He was skinnier than a girl ... actually bought dress pants in the kids section and he wanted to own the business before he ever swept the floor.

12. Stephen - a good looking guy with a heart of stone. Emotionally abusive and a manipulator. Thankfully I never did anything permanent with him ... I always said if you wanted to picture him, just watch the movie Sleeping with the Enemy and you would know him easily.

13. Eric - my husband. Met him, moved in with him, fought with him, married him, had children with him, watched him be taken away my the US Army, miss him.

Out of the mouths of babes

So.... my Mom was holding Joseph and he was making noises, smiling and moving around in his sleep. Joshua asked her what Joseph was doing. My Mom told him that he was dreaming .... that he saw pictures in his head from his day. Joshua moved to the back of Joseph, looked at his head and said, "Grandma, I don't see any pictures on his head!!!!"

Thankful

I had a break! My two girlfriends came to watch the boys so that my Mom, Dad and I could go to dinner by ourselves. It was Heavenly! We went to Pete Miller's ... had an excellent Dirty Martini (man, have I missed those!) and a good Fillet. We had excellent conversation and I was glad I got the opportunity to spend some time with them.
I am going on 4 hours of sleep ..... How the HECK am I going to do this when my parents leave????????? I guess it will be lots of caffeine, finding spare hours for naps, and probably a few tears shed in between.

My birthday......

Well ... another year goes by and I am one year older. No biggie. I am sad that Eric cannot be here - but I just received a call from him and that was the best gift he could have given me (although I am so appreciative of the GPS he sent me - what a helpful thing that will be once I get back to work). I miss him so darned much.

My parents and I will go out to dinner tonight, while my two girlfriends have so bravely volunteered to watch the boys. I am looking forward to having some time out WITHOUT a child!!!!!

Having a 2 1/2 year old who changes moods like a person blinks is NOT an easy task ...... my nerves are a bit shot .... and I have to do this for a full year?????????? The Lord better give me LOTS of strength ........ and wine drinking buddies!!!!

So .... Now I am a 34 year old mother of two boys.... geesh, who would have thunk? :)

Easter Sunday

What a weird Easter ..... no E ... never made it to Good Friday service because of 7 inches of snow .... March Madness all weekend (I so suck ......) ...... and my Mom is in MY kitchen cooking Easter dinner.

Took Big J to food blessing yesterday ..... I laughed when Father blessed him with the Holy water - gave him a bit of a shock. It was fun to watch him though.

Mass was nice today ...packed with all the people that only show up once or twice a year .... Big J behaved well and little j slept through it all.

I am off to watch more basketball and get deeper into the hole! :) And to celebrate Easter with the blessing I have been given.

Snow ... sleep and other ramblings

Snow and no sleep ...... what is worse? I think I will say the snow. What the heck is going on around here?? Yesterday was the first day of spring and today we are planning our Good Friday church around snow bands? Whatever ... I am SO over it.

little j is such a good baby ...until midnight ... the Cinderella's coach turns into a pumpkin. he thinks night is day and day is night. Books say it can take up to THREE freaking weeks to rectify this situation! I knew it was bad when my Dad was in the room at 4:45 trying to get him to sleep!!!!!

He makes this funny cooing noise when he eats .... and every once in a while he lets out a giggle here and there. Its too cute.

Big J likes to give little j Eskimo kisses .... and he wants to carry him around. But he STILL won't let me sit him down and hold the baby for a picture.

Life is blessed ... but I am still irritated about a Winter Storm Warning in Spring and a son who thinks night time is party time!

Oh the joys.......

Thursday Thirteen

13 men I've had a Crush on from Birth to Present

1. Shaun Cassidy - I played his record until it scratched, kissed the album jacket and cried when I heard he got married. I wonder where he is today?! Da do run run Da do run run!!!!!!

2. Ralph Macchio - It started with Karate Kid II ... then I watch every movie he ever made, even started to watch Eight Is Enough because he was in it!

3. Tom Cruise - Does this one count ...since I no longer have it? But COME ON ... the Volleyball Scene in Top Gun ... could it get any better than that????

4. Johnny Depp - I adored him in 21 Jumpstreet, was sad when Freddy killed him off in Nightmare on Elm Street and even watched Platoon to see his small role.

5. Jon Knight - From New Kids on the Block ... don't say one word ... I was a Freshman!

6. Ashton Kusher (I don't really know how to spell his name) .... I just find him hot for some reason .... kind of a weird one.

7. Jim Rome - Talk to me baby!

8. Bret Michaels - The hair, the band, the abs, the ballads .... oooohhhhhhhh :)

9. Michael Jordan - I have to be honest here ... I was just an icon to me ... with arms of steel!

10. Mark Grace - His blue eyes just did it for me.

11. John Cusak - Ever since she broke his heart and gave him a pen ... I just think he is the cutest thing.

12. Kip Winger ... another one who had eyes has blue as ice!

13. My husband

Pain!

Why is it that when you CANNOT workout, you feel the fattest? I KNOW I gave birth 5 days ago .... and my stomach feels (and LOOKS) like someone played tackle dummy on it ... but for the love of God, could my appetite go away and my thighs feel just ONE centimeter smaller?!?!?!??!
And the pain I feel! The first one did NOT hurt this bad. It isn't even where they cut - its the bruising that just feels so horrible! Every time I walk or move it jars everything - it is so awful.
AGH!
On a good note - little j went to the doctor today and he is healthy and doing just fine. Big J was also checked - came down with a yucky cold, but he is good too. He will do much better when he stops being so picky about everything he eats! I never thought I would have such a finicky child!!!
Having my parents here really helps the helplessness. It also helps the sadness I feel from E not being here .... gave little j his first bath last night, first doctor appointment today ... so many "firsts" that E is going to miss, and that just makes me sad. So very sad.

Home at last

Baby Joseph William has arrived. ON TIME - Thank God! My nerves really kicked into high gear right before we were due to go "under the knife" .... next time (don't plan on THAT being any time soon ... God built perfect birth control in for me ... my husband is deployed!) I am going to make sure I ask for some type of anti anxiety drip in my IV!
But - anxiety none the less - Joseph got here at 1:36 on March 14 weighing 7 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of light brown hair and from the first moment, has been a calm little baby.
I am SO happy to be home from the hospital, I cannot even begin to describe it in words! They tell you to get sleep - but they come check you every three hours. Rules about were you can hold your baby, how you can hold your baby ..... ugh. Let me go home, be comfortable and be a MOM!
The pain still exists. I am heavily bruised this time. ????? That is what hurts the most. I look like I have been in a front end collision!
Thankfully my Mom and Dad are here helping with Joshua ... who has actually TOUCHED and HELD baby Joseph.... and are doting on me incredibly.
I am not too tired .... sad that Eric is gone (none of this seems right without him). He was incredible this weekend. I was really able to lean on him on Friday. He was completely there. He brought me a bouquet of the most beautiful red and pink roses, with my fave, gerbera daisies added in. He bonded with Joseph and took care of things at the house. He is my hero and I love him ..... and miss him.
Hopefully I will upload a few pics in later of our new family ....... I am off to feed a child!

Thursday!

I made it to Thursday ... THANK GOD!!!! My parents will be here in less than 4 hours; E in about 15 hours. Phew. So, that means, unless I suddenly go into a rapid labor, I will have people with me and I am going to be OK!

Nervous? Me? Nah ..... OK ..... Maybe just a little bit. What makes me the most nervous is thinking about getting the epidural. I hate needles as it is. Any needle coming into close contact with my skin .... ick .... I shudder and get light headed just THINKING about them. You know those blood tests where they prick your finger? Yep... I hear bells and see stars with those. So ... an epidural?!?!?!? A needle with the circumference of a snake and the length of a yard stick? Yes - I admit it ... I am NERVOUS!!!!! Everything else? A piece of cake. It doesn't help that with Big J the doctor couldn't get it right ... I got stuck AT LEAST three times. Talk about PAIN! Hopefully I have a BRILLIANT doctor on my end this time!!!!!!!

So ... I will steal an idea from my girlfriend and tell you my

Thursday Thirteen Things I cannot live without:

1. Mass on Sundays
2. Diet Dr Pepper
3. Outings with girlfriends
4. Email
5. Chap stick
6. Summer
7. My family
8. Hair gel/mousse
9. Polish on my toe nails
10. Hugs from my husband
11. Big J
12. Bottled water
13. TV

The countdown begins......

I feel so empowered, I actually made some changes to my page! Wow!!! :)

Starting to get a bit antsy over here .... every new twinge, pull, pain, movement .... it all sets me into an anxiety free for all. I am SO worried that this kid is going to decide he wants to see the world before we are ready.

Every second that gets closer to when my parents land tomorrow and when E lands tomorrow night, is one second closer to us making it through an entire pregnancy without an emergency. I am PRAYING that it stays that way!

I must say, I am NOT a happy pregnant lady ... all those women who love to rub their bellies because they are so overjoyed .... well - that is SO not me! I would rather deal with the sleepless nights of an infant than with the weight gain, the tents for shirts, peeing every 5 seconds, contractions, constipation, lack of alcohol in my system ....... should I continue or just leave it at that? I LIKE being Mommy .... but not Mommy-to-be!!!!!!

So ..... this child only needs to wait about 24 more hours and I will have people here who can help me ..... in 48 hours ... well .... Welcome to the world little one! so.... the countdown begins .......

Are you still my friend?

Put Big J to bed last night after a tantrum to end all tantrums. He finally said what I have been dreading, "Mommy I don't want to talk about baby." "I don't want Daddy with baby and me."

So, it is here ... the transition from only child to oldest child. It broke my heart ... now my worry - can I STILL love Big J as much as I always have? Can I show him that he is still special? I know that everyone says it just happens, but, have there been times it just hasn't happened?

He woke up exceptionally early this morning .... I told him he had two choices: sleep in his bed, or sleep in mine. "I sleep in your bed Mommy." After wiggling around for more than an hour (and keeping Mommy awake in the process) he passed out. It was 7:30 when I couldn't lay still any more.

I looked at him - outstretched arms, snoring quietly, and I just loved him. I feel sorry for him, that his Daddy isn't here to give him the Daddy hugs that I know he so needs. I wish I could communicate to him that everything WILL get easier over time. The tears well up in my eyes when I get done punishing him (after he yells for his Dad two or three HUNDRED times), and he looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "Mommy are you still my friend?"

Is it too early to say to him that I don't WANT to be his friend? Friends can break your heart ... Mommies cannot. I don't ever want to break his heart ... so I really don't want to be his friend. I will be his Mommy ... and I will promise to love him all the time ... even when I get so angry at him that I want to scream.

I just hope, come Friday, I will have enough "Mommy love" to give to two gifts given to me.

I will give it a whirl...

OK - so a girlfriend gave me an idea ... while my husband was deployed, start writing a journal that he could read to keep up with life at home.

I have my 2 1/2 year old son, and our second child is scheduled, via C-section, to show his face this Friday afternoon. So .... Here is my attempt at this 2008 version of a diary.

I happened to be cleaning the other day and found all of my old diaries ... read a few entries. Sometimes, as much as life changes, life stays the same. I am still the same dreamer and hopeful person now, that I was 16 years ago!

I am currently feeling anxious about Friday .... my Mom and Dad fly into town on Thursday afternoon. Eric, my husband, is due in that night. This baby MUST wait until then. Every funny stretch, pull, twinge, tickle that I feel - my mind jumps to overload. What was that? Am I in labor? Holy Crap - who do I call now? Then I calm down and all is right with the world again.

I am waiting for Big J to wake up from his early nap - what a BRAT he was this morning - they need to put day cares in the center of grocery stores! We are then going to go get some Shamrock shakes (yes - I am allowing myself to eat this for lunch ... I deliver a baby on Friday ... what do I care what I eat this week?!?!?!??!) and then I am off to work .... yippee.