Are you still my friend?

Put Big J to bed last night after a tantrum to end all tantrums. He finally said what I have been dreading, "Mommy I don't want to talk about baby." "I don't want Daddy with baby and me."

So, it is here ... the transition from only child to oldest child. It broke my heart ... now my worry - can I STILL love Big J as much as I always have? Can I show him that he is still special? I know that everyone says it just happens, but, have there been times it just hasn't happened?

He woke up exceptionally early this morning .... I told him he had two choices: sleep in his bed, or sleep in mine. "I sleep in your bed Mommy." After wiggling around for more than an hour (and keeping Mommy awake in the process) he passed out. It was 7:30 when I couldn't lay still any more.

I looked at him - outstretched arms, snoring quietly, and I just loved him. I feel sorry for him, that his Daddy isn't here to give him the Daddy hugs that I know he so needs. I wish I could communicate to him that everything WILL get easier over time. The tears well up in my eyes when I get done punishing him (after he yells for his Dad two or three HUNDRED times), and he looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "Mommy are you still my friend?"

Is it too early to say to him that I don't WANT to be his friend? Friends can break your heart ... Mommies cannot. I don't ever want to break his heart ... so I really don't want to be his friend. I will be his Mommy ... and I will promise to love him all the time ... even when I get so angry at him that I want to scream.

I just hope, come Friday, I will have enough "Mommy love" to give to two gifts given to me.