Party All Nite II

Another all nighter. This one started earlier though. Put the boys down at 7:00 (Joshua had no nap at school and was a real cranky pants). Thought I might have an extra hour to watch a bit of TV, talk with Eric or just sit and veg.
Joshua went right to bed. Joseph wanted to hang out. I brought him downstairs with me and he appeared to pass out around 8:00. I brought him upstairs. I BARELY made it to the bottom stair when the screaming started.
And then the game began, again. He was an awake, alert little boy from then until 10:30. Then we had gas plain issues until 12:00. Then it was play time again. Every freaking half hour he was whining or crying. I brought him into bed with me at 1:30. He fought everything until about 2:00 .... when I finally passed out. I woke up at 4:00 and figured I would put him in his bed. BIG MISTAKE. The crying began again and I had to hold him until 5:00. I went back to bed and passed out until Joshua started yelling at me at 7:00.
I am beyond exhausted. I am so exhausted I don't even feel tired any more. God did NOT want parents to go at this alone. How do people do it? Really? I know people do every day. I know some have their families there to help, but every night? What do they do?
I remember when Joshua used to have these nights. When I felt like bashing my head into the wall, I turned to Eric to help me out. Now, I just bash my head into the wall.
I have tried everything ... taking a break, counting to ten, saying a prayer, crying ..... it all just adds up to the same stuff - I am exhausted and want help.

Party All Nite?????

Well- I have had my first all-nighter with this kid. I laid down in bed at 9:30 .... read my magazine for about a half hour, turned out the light and thought I would have about two or so hours until he woke up. He started screaming at 10. I fed him ..... we then played the up and down game every half hour until FIVE this morning ... when he finally gave up - what drove me the MOST nuts???? He wasn't screaming or crying when I would go in to get him ... he was wide eyed and awake! AGH!
Joshua woke up at 7:00 and I thought I was dreaming ..... at least with one kid you could catch up during the day .... with two ... I have to be on ALL day! I have had my first - of many, I am sure - cup of coffee and I am trying to figure out what we could do today that wouldn't require my eyes to be open!
I really do think God is having a good time with me .... maybe He went on vacation when it came time to plan my life out these past few months. Could He give me ONE break? We all thought this was an easy going baby .... then my parents left and all hell broke loose.
I just don't get it .... I really don't. I know I am blessed - these boys are awesome ... but could I catch a break in raising them ... I think I am going nuts ... really, I do!

A weekend reflection

The weekend has past. It was a good one - but also a hard one. Had a lot of company both Friday and Saturday ..... but Sunday I was on my own completely. I broke down around 5 .... bath time for Joshua. Had him in the tub, Joseph was screaming, I was still feeling miserable. I just wanted to quit. All I could keep thinking was - I have to do this all on my own for over a year????? Then Joseph was up from 7 till midnight with stomach pains ..... I just cried at one point. What I wouldn't have done to have ONE person call and say "What can I do for you?" because it would have FINALLY been a time that I would have said "I need help." Ugh ... once again, I wonder where some of those "helpful" people are now that the shock has worn off from all the news.
I know it will get easier, doesn't it have to? But right now, I am just not able to clear the fog from my eyes and see a silver lining. I am tired, I am beat, I am overwhelmed. But - I will push on. I have to.
Joshua went to school today ... he hated every second of the drop off ... I literally had to peel him off of my leg. As much as I felt bad for him, I knew he needed a break as much as I do! I plan on getting a nap in at some point this afternoon .... the house is clean, the laundry is done so I am hitting the couch and watching (hopefully) a bit of the Cubs opener.
Speaking of the Cubs .... we finally made it to Opening Day! Don't know if they will get the game in because of the thunderstorms (thank God it isn't snow!). I can handle it!!!! Maybe this will be the year.

Out of the mouths of babes

So.... my Mom was holding Joseph and he was making noises, smiling and moving around in his sleep. Joshua asked her what Joseph was doing. My Mom told him that he was dreaming .... that he saw pictures in his head from his day. Joshua moved to the back of Joseph, looked at his head and said, "Grandma, I don't see any pictures on his head!!!!"

Snow ... sleep and other ramblings

Snow and no sleep ...... what is worse? I think I will say the snow. What the heck is going on around here?? Yesterday was the first day of spring and today we are planning our Good Friday church around snow bands? Whatever ... I am SO over it.

little j is such a good baby ...until midnight ... the Cinderella's coach turns into a pumpkin. he thinks night is day and day is night. Books say it can take up to THREE freaking weeks to rectify this situation! I knew it was bad when my Dad was in the room at 4:45 trying to get him to sleep!!!!!

He makes this funny cooing noise when he eats .... and every once in a while he lets out a giggle here and there. Its too cute.

Big J likes to give little j Eskimo kisses .... and he wants to carry him around. But he STILL won't let me sit him down and hold the baby for a picture.

Life is blessed ... but I am still irritated about a Winter Storm Warning in Spring and a son who thinks night time is party time!

Oh the joys.......

Home at last

Baby Joseph William has arrived. ON TIME - Thank God! My nerves really kicked into high gear right before we were due to go "under the knife" .... next time (don't plan on THAT being any time soon ... God built perfect birth control in for me ... my husband is deployed!) I am going to make sure I ask for some type of anti anxiety drip in my IV!
But - anxiety none the less - Joseph got here at 1:36 on March 14 weighing 7 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of light brown hair and from the first moment, has been a calm little baby.
I am SO happy to be home from the hospital, I cannot even begin to describe it in words! They tell you to get sleep - but they come check you every three hours. Rules about were you can hold your baby, how you can hold your baby ..... ugh. Let me go home, be comfortable and be a MOM!
The pain still exists. I am heavily bruised this time. ????? That is what hurts the most. I look like I have been in a front end collision!
Thankfully my Mom and Dad are here helping with Joshua ... who has actually TOUCHED and HELD baby Joseph.... and are doting on me incredibly.
I am not too tired .... sad that Eric is gone (none of this seems right without him). He was incredible this weekend. I was really able to lean on him on Friday. He was completely there. He brought me a bouquet of the most beautiful red and pink roses, with my fave, gerbera daisies added in. He bonded with Joseph and took care of things at the house. He is my hero and I love him ..... and miss him.
Hopefully I will upload a few pics in later of our new family ....... I am off to feed a child!

Are you still my friend?

Put Big J to bed last night after a tantrum to end all tantrums. He finally said what I have been dreading, "Mommy I don't want to talk about baby." "I don't want Daddy with baby and me."

So, it is here ... the transition from only child to oldest child. It broke my heart ... now my worry - can I STILL love Big J as much as I always have? Can I show him that he is still special? I know that everyone says it just happens, but, have there been times it just hasn't happened?

He woke up exceptionally early this morning .... I told him he had two choices: sleep in his bed, or sleep in mine. "I sleep in your bed Mommy." After wiggling around for more than an hour (and keeping Mommy awake in the process) he passed out. It was 7:30 when I couldn't lay still any more.

I looked at him - outstretched arms, snoring quietly, and I just loved him. I feel sorry for him, that his Daddy isn't here to give him the Daddy hugs that I know he so needs. I wish I could communicate to him that everything WILL get easier over time. The tears well up in my eyes when I get done punishing him (after he yells for his Dad two or three HUNDRED times), and he looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "Mommy are you still my friend?"

Is it too early to say to him that I don't WANT to be his friend? Friends can break your heart ... Mommies cannot. I don't ever want to break his heart ... so I really don't want to be his friend. I will be his Mommy ... and I will promise to love him all the time ... even when I get so angry at him that I want to scream.

I just hope, come Friday, I will have enough "Mommy love" to give to two gifts given to me.