Sanity? With TWO boys? Yea, Right!

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-07-11T09:28:00.003-05:00

1. Oh, I can't wait until I have a better "after-baby" body!!

2. Milk is the first thing I see when I open my refrigerator.

3. I never leave home without my kids and my cell phone.

4. If I were a condiment, I would be BBQ sauce, somketimes sweet, sometimes spicey and sometimes smokey - unique in every way!

5. Poor grammar is really high up on my list of pet peeves.

6. The last thing I thought of before I went to bed was will tonight be the night that I get a full night sleep (nope!)?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to trying my new workout CD once the boys are in bed, tomorrow my plans include lunch with a friend and the pool and Sunday, I want to hang out with the boys and get ready for my parents to come next week!

Thursday Thirteen

2008-07-10T08:01:00.003-05:00

13 Things from my To DO list:

1. Send thank you cards - I am so far behind on this (very A-typical of me) that it almost seems dumb at this point.

2. Call Comcast - Our promo ended this bill and now we are stuck with a monster payment.

3. Buy Poison tickets - My sister is actually coming into town and we are going to go together .... need to get that done before the weekend comes and goes!

4. Order Big J's playhouse/sandbox (see previous post).

5. Mail Eric's package

6. Take maternity clothes to the basement - I think I have been slow on this one because my belly still looks like I am expecting! :(

7. Cancel my dentist appointment. I am FINALLY trying a new dentist and getting away from the quack of a woman that CALLS herself a dentist ..... now I just have to say bye-bye!

8. Take my car in for an oil change. When the HECK am I supposed to do this?????

9. Get my car cleaned- it is BEYOND filthy.

10. Hook up the TV to the receiver to the DVD to the CD player to the IPOD dock ... uummmm... am I a retard or is it TRULY rocket science??????????

11. Wash the bedding and towels ..... I REALLY need to before everything starts to walk.

12. Buy a new bra. I have to face the cold hard truth. This weight aint going anywhere any time soon. Living with one bra is NOT cutting it anymore!

13. Finish decorating little j's room .... at some point it will become crystal clear that he really is the second child!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-09T10:40:00.001-05:00

Milestone Updates

2008-07-08T15:30:00.003-05:00

OK ... so, it has been over a week since Big J went into big boy pullups .... yesterday he had not ONE accident. He is doing so well! The ladies at day school are amazed at how quickly this is all going for him. I am so darned proud of the little dude!!!!
Now I just have to fulfill my promise and buy him his playhouse or sandbox (We used a chart for about a week. Once it was filled he was able to get one).
The only downside? Cleaning out that cursed potty ... GROSS! I will give him one more week in pull-ups. Then we go to big boy underpants during the day and pull-ups at night. Once that goes for about a week we are going to start climbing onto the big potty!
As for little j .... he rolled over from his back to his front on Monday! I brought the exersaucer upstairs for him to use as well .... We also fed him baby bananas ... he actually seemed to enjoy them so much more than the rice cereal!!!!!
They are both growing up before my eyes!
I will have to update the site with some recent pics!!!

Thursday Thirteen

2008-07-03T11:18:00.002-05:00

13 Things that men should not wear

1. Capris. Gross. Go to Europe where it is fashionable ... you just look like a dork in pants that belong on your girlfriend.

2. Pointy toe shoes. WTF????? Did you really want to wake up and look like one of Santa's elves?

3. Wife Beaters. Unless you have abs of steel .... you just look like TPT ... put on a real shirt.

4. Tapered Jeans. You look like men on chopsticks ... ew.

5. Shorts that hang below your boxers. Why? How old are you anyway?

6. Crocs. I am sorry if I offend - but ANYONE who wears these just look like DORKS!!!!

7. Baseball hats with flat bills. Did you buy your hat at the dollar store? You look like an old man on a farm! Where is your tractor?

8. Jeans with worn out pockets. Nothing bothers me more than looking at a butt in front of me and seeing a man's boxers through the holes he has worn through his pockets.

9. Tattered jeans. I just don't understand the love of jeans that look like someone went dumpster diving. It was cool when I was 16 .. but if you are a hard working adult - look like one!

10. Sandals with socks. No comments necessary.

11. Short shorts. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

12. Speedos. Gross! I have NO desire to see a man's thingy .... they aren't that attractive anyway.

13. Biker shorts. Unless you are on a bike ... take them off and get some REAL shorts!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-02T08:02:00.004-05:00

Milestones

2008-07-01T09:59:00.002-05:00

I forgot! So .... Sunday night? Joseph rolls over from front to back! I also fed him cereal last night for the first time. His face was priceless!!!! He looked so confused as to what the heck was going on in that mouth of his!!!!
Joshua is in big boy pants .... pull-ups for now. Started OFFICIALLY potty training yesterday. It is going to take some work, but I am sure we will get there. I just have to remember to take him every hour - on the hour!!! Ugh ... add ANOTHER full time job to my ever-growing list!!!!!

Another day ... another dollar

2008-07-01T09:44:00.002-05:00

So .... we begin another Tuesday sitting in the office taking phone calls.
I STILL cannot believe my talents are wasted once a week - every week - saying this over and over again: "Thank you for calling. How can I help you?"
I already did this ... for THREE effing years I plugged away on the phone, putting in my ten hours a day - 50 hours a week - padding my resume with experience.
Now - 10 years later - I am back doing the same thing? Having to sign in and out for breaks, lunches, dealing with petty office crap?
Ugh. That is all I can say about this. Ugh.
It doesn't help when, to be here on time, I have to take the 7:20 train ... meaning I have to be OUT of the house BY 6:45 .... meaning, I had to wake both boys up, get them changed and run out the door to be in time. I HATE it!
Oh well ... suck it up ... until I have time to get my resume together - or start playing AND WINNING the lottery ... my days will be spent running from here to there ... or attached to a phone cord all day .....

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-06-27T08:16:00.002-05:00

1. Birthdays are days that everyone is given to feel extra special!

2. Summer is my favorite season because I love sun, long days, grilling and the pool.

3. I feel my best when 50 pounds lighter!

4. Mexican is my favorite food!

5. First impressions are usually right on.

6. The best piece of advice I ever received was Let go and Let God.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to dinner and a play with friends, tomorrow my plans include hanging with the boys and going out for a girls night and Sunday, I want to go to Mass and watch the Cubs!

Thursday Thirteen

2008-06-26T08:10:00.005-05:00

13 Things I am afraid of:

1. Enclosed places - this has gotten worse for me with age. Don't ask me to crawl into a small tunnel, I hate covered water slides .... yuck, yuck, yuck.

2. Spiders - they are too creepy for my liking

3. Going Broke - I think we ALL feel this these days!

4. Losing my parents early - I DREAD this phone call and hope it won't happen for a VERY long time.

5.Staying Fat for the Rest of my Life - This has been a battle since I can remember knowing what the word "fat" meant. What if I spend the rest of my years battling this crap?????

6. Rats/Mice/Rodents - eeewwwwww

7. Getting a wax - Everyone says it is no big deal - but - come on! RIPPING your hair out of the root .... I cannot even begin to imagine the pain it causes!

8. Throwing Up - I always joked that I could have never been a bulimic because the mere THOUGHT of throwing up makes me cry. Not good on those days where one good heave and the world would be a better place!

9. The Economy - What of it really DOESN'T get any better??????

10. My husband and I never being truly happy after this deployment - What if this whole thing effs everything up??? Ugh. I cannot really think about it too much.

11. Losing my babies - I will not even go there.

12. Basements - always have been - always will. There are just too many scary things that could happen down there!!

13. Heights - AKA - Ferris wheels, tall rides at amusement parks ... um, yea, NO! I like my feet on solid ground!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-25T08:04:00.002-05:00

Enough said! :)

2008-06-22T21:29:00.003-05:00

WooHoo!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-21T14:46:00.002-05:00

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

2008-06-20T16:35:00.002-05:00

WOO HOO! Its about time Ramirez got hot ... let's go for #2 tomorrow!

YES!!!!!!!!!

Friday Fill-In's

2008-06-20T16:03:00.003-05:00

1. A smile is a sign of a Cubs win.

2. Euchre is my favorite board or card game.

3. I would love to have more time in my life and less responsibility.

4. When I think of the Summer Solstice, I think of the longest day of the year - time to picnic!

5. I just remembered I need to call a client.

6. One of my favorite song lyrics goes like this: I raise a glass to all of us who are breaking our backs every day, if wanting a good life is such a crime, Lord than take me away.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to tacos and putting my sick kids to bed, tomorrow my plans include getting little j's 3 month pictures taken, exchanging a Cubs T-shirt and Dick's for a different size, hopefully going to the pool and then a cookout at my Uncle's house, and Sunday I want to go to Mass, the pool, enjoy a cookout with girlfriends and then cheer on the Cubs!

Thursday Thirteen

2008-06-19T10:54:00.002-05:00

13 Reasons I have decided to start looking for a new career:

1. My kids. This is my main reason. I hate that I have to put them in day acre all the time. I hate that I am expected to work all kinds of funky hours and subject them to it. Oh what I wouldn't do to be a SAHM.

2. Gas prices. Even though my company considers me a "sales rep," they certainly do not treat me as such. I am expected to drive all over God's green earth for business, yet I am not even given a car, mileage, an expenses account - NOTHING. It all comes out of my pocket.

3. No more flexibility. When I first started at this job I was told, "we don't care how or when you get your job done, just get it done." It has now become a "Where the heck are you its 8:00 am/ its not 5:00pm?" job. Yippee.

4. Office Days. When I took this job eight years ago, I had basically just finished "padding" my resume in a call center for 2 1/2 years. I did my time on the phones. We have now gone from coming in once a month to cover the office phones, to every other week, to now, once a week - yet my goals for production have not changed. So, let me get this straight. I am STILL supposed to bring you over $1 million of production but I am now called away from the field ONCE every freaking week to answer the phone (because the customer service rep on the office doesn't????)? WTF ever.

5. The economy. This job has become a crap shoot. I am supposed to get people to put in more money to their retirement program ... but most of them can no longer afford to put gas in their cars. How can I talk them into anything with that argument? Then, on top of that, they hear that we are going thru inflation, recessions and the market is taking tumbles every day. Happy, happy. Joy, joy.

6. My home. I would do ANYTHING to find a job that kept me there all week ... shoot, I would settle for 2 times a week ..... less driving, less day care expenses, more time with the kids .... its a win-win situation!

7. Coworkers. We used to be this great team. People would help each other out of the numbers weren't great. We would cover for each other and hang out. Well, times have changed. A few scary people have been hired that just don't fit my "nice people" bill:
Coworker A - (we will call her "Queen Bee") Queen Bee is supposed to be on the phones all day long. The last time I was in the office she took a total of FIVE, yes, FIVE calls. When it is time for her lunch, she first, takes off her shoes and changes into walking shoes. Then, she goes to the bathroom for about ten minutes. Then, she chats with her office buddy for a few minutes about where she is going to go for lunch. THEN and ONLY THEN, she signs out for lunch. Only to take an additional half hour to reverse this process when she gets back.
Coworker B - (we will call him Pat) Pat started about 2 years ago. He has since become the top producer. Why? He is a poacher. He has been found in other people's territory - he steals, connives and lies his way to the top ... AND we wonder what it TRULY is that he has going on with the boss. Pat can do no wrong.
Coworker C- (we will call her Turncoat) Turncoat used to be a friend. Helped me out, told me how great this job is for raising kids. Used to tell me how to work only a few days and then make it look like I worked all week. Suddenly she has become best buds with the boss and I have been under the microscope ever since. And, oh yea ... I never did get a thank you for the gift I gave her at her wedding ......

8. Clientele. I think I am just OVER going and sitting in Streets and Sanitation departments, county hospitals, rodent control offices, etc. I need to feel professional again.

9. My salary. I used to think I was getting paid well. Until everyone else in this world got raises and COLA's ... and I stayed stagnant. I don't get paid enough to go chasing production at $4.50 per gallon five days a week!

10. Traffic. It seems that what used to take me an hour to get to, now takes and hour and a half ... no matter WHAT time of day it is. And could they EVER be done with construction?????

11. Complacency. I can honestly say that I just no longer give a shit. At all.

12. Jealousy. I see other people out there, making more, smiling more, getting the hours they want. I want to be that girl.

13. My Boss (we will call him Will). This is numero UNO. I think is he were gone I would think twice about leaving. He is just an all around ass. I have absolutely NO respect for him .. and no "like" for him either. He treats people like dirt and thinks he is the greatest. Working for a gay man, trying to get him to understand FAMILY situations is like asking a vegetarian to understand why I need a burger! And there are other things:
1. He is SO un-PC. He is consistently making comments about how he hates our President, church, government, etc. The other day I asked who was downtown since I saw Secret Service everywhere ... his comment? "Well, Shrub ( I guess this was supposed to be Bush) is out of the country, and the Vice-Asshole (I am not exaggerating) is somewhere else" WTF?????
2. He cannot stand that I have family obligations and makes it a point to make me feel bad about it. "I would have given this opportunity to you, but I knew you wouldn't want to put the effort in because you have a child." Ummmmmmmm - isn't that discrimination??????
3. He is the world's HUGEST, BIGGEST, LARGEST micro-manager anyone has ever had. He calls my cell phone literally 5 times a day, checking on me, telling me stupid shit that could wait until he saw me next, or asking me asinine questions. I had to pick up a guy from Corporate on Tuesday and take him to my locations to see what we do all day. I picked him up on time, we were where we needed to be. Will was at a golf outing. The man called me FOUR effing times to see if I picked this guy up. WTF? He then called later in the afternoon to make sure that I was taking care of him. Dude .... I take care of two kids all day, every day ... don't you think I can handle hanging out with a grown man? Get an effing life!!!!
4. He loves to micro-manage, but when it comes to HELPING. He sucks. I asked him OVER A YEAR AGO for contact information to help me get into one of my locations. HE has YET to give me an answer .... how am I supposed to get my numbers in when I cannot get into my territories .. and when I ask for help it goes unanswered?!?!??!?!?!
5. He has no clue what I do. He is a numbers guy. HE has NEVER been a sales rep and has no idea of the lifestyle of one. He should quit trying.
6. Everyone keeps telling me - hold off - he will be out of this position soon. They have been saying that for 4 years. Enough is enough already.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-18T07:42:00.000-05:00

Germs Germs and more Germs

2008-06-17T08:08:00.002-05:00

Well - both boys are sick. Runny nose, scratchy cough. And what am I doing? Getting ready for work because I have to pick some dude up from O'Hare to show him what we do all day. WTF?

I mean, if my life TRULY was prioritized, these boys would be staying home with Mommy today. I decided last night that yes, it is time I brush up my resume and look for other opportunities. This job that I once loved (and would have been PERFECT for raising a family) is suddenly no longer fun, no longer flexible .... plain old yucky.

What am I going to do? Well - for starters .... we will be washing our hands all day today (we need to get rude of those yucky germs!)... and I will be washing up the cobwebs in my brain so that I might think of where I could actually work (and leave those "germs" that I work for) AND take care of my kids.

Anyone have any ideas?????

Working for the Weekend

2008-06-16T12:13:00.004-05:00

Another Monday here ... and I am wondering if I am going to get another 50 calls from work this week. Its like my boss cannot handle NOT talking with every hour of every day.

I just need some space ... space to figure out what the hell I am doing and how I am doing it!

Ugh!!!!

On a better note. The weekend was nice. I took the boys out to dinner at Durty Nellie's on Friday after work. We sat on the patio so Big J could watch the trains coming and going. We shared some nachos, Mommy had a beer (a MUCH needed beer after being downtown in an office all day long).

Saturday we played outside and got Big J a haircut.

Then we went to a friends birthday party. Lots of kids - Big J got his fill of running around and acting goofy.

We spent Fathers Day at home, grilling out and relaxing. The boys talked to Daddy and wished him well. We also got a chance to talk to Grandma and Grandpa on his new web cam - it was cool! Big J was a nut case.

Like I said .. now back to the gross reality that I have to work for a living ... isn't being a Mom work enough??????? This little guy thinks so:

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-06-13T08:49:00.003-05:00

1. An evening on the patio with a good glass of wine makes me happy.

2. I would like a day to sleep in, please.

3. Junk food tastes SO good!

4. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because I don't have to get the boys ready for daycare and I can ignore my voicemail.

5. My boobs (???) are my best feature. (Not the best question to ask a woman who had a baby three months ago!)

6. We could learn so much from our parents, if we let them teach us.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to picking the boys up from day care and going out for dinner, tomorrow my plans include getting Big J's hair cut and taking the boys to a birthday party and Sunday, try to get to the pool, call E for Father's Day and prepare for another work week!

Thursday Thirteen

2008-06-12T12:25:00.002-05:00

13 of my favorite Movies:

1. It's a Wonderful Life

2. Ferris Buehler's Day Off

3. The Outsiders

4. Rudy

5. Pocketful of Miracles

6. Penny Serenade

7. Signs

8. Sixth Sense

9. Wizard of Oz

10. Sound of Music

11. The Karate Kid

12. Hoosiers

13. Blues Brothers

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-11T08:35:00.001-05:00

One day down

2008-06-09T21:13:00.003-05:00

only 4 more to go until the weekend!

The first day wasn't horrible. Once I set foot in the office it felt like I had only been gone a few weeks ... these are the days that I wish I lived in Europe where they get a few MONTHS of maternity leave!

I still don't want to be back ... my heart is here, with my boys... but I have to do what I have to do.

Things are already busy and it is going to be hard to dive right back into the old routine!

The boys did well at school. Little j was pretty oblivious to it all. Big J didn't want to go back ... but when I got there to pick him up he was having a blast.

I even got myself back at the gym today... it felt great. This will be a MUST to fit in. Hopefully the MANY pounds I need to lose will start to disappear!

On to Tuesday.........................

Sunday Night Blues

2008-06-08T20:28:00.003-05:00

Wow - I forgot what this feels like. I have been so used to planning our week ... what days I was going to do chores, when we would meet up with friends, when we would do our errand running .... Now, I am planning on how to pack up diapers, bottles, babies, computers, etc so that I can make the morning as seamless as possible!!!!!
Ugh ... I think the depression set in on Thursday. From missing E a LOT lately, to the anxiety that was kicking in about going back to work - I was not a fun person to be around this weekend!
Luckily a friend came by on Friday night for some beer and conversation ... and the sun ended up shining today so Big J, little j and I could go out for some ice cream and a walk.
I know it won't be THAT bad going back. Like everyone has told me - maybe getting away and getting into a routine will do me some good .... but I must tell you - the way I feel? I think I may seriously have to figure out "what color my parachute" really is!

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-06-06T08:54:00.002-05:00

1. Idle hands are a sign that my kids are asleep.

2. I love taking my time (which I can rarely do anymore) in the shower.

3. My favorite time of day is when the boys are asleep and I can breathe for just a few seconds.

4. The last tea I drank was peppermint, when my parents and I had the flu.

5. I like to get tan, eat ice cream and loaf in the summer.

6. My Mother always said let go and let God.

7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to ???? , tomorrow my plans include yard work and a graduation party and Sunday, I want to possibly go to the pool .

Having a hard time

2008-06-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

I am so sad today. Just sad. No real reason, just sad.
I am sad that some people just don't get it. I know I shouldn't expect them to - who would? But I wish they did.
I am sad that another weekend is here and I cannot even get excited about a date or a dinner.
I am sad that certain people have completely let me down with their lack of support.
I am sad that my husband was in the middle of a freaking sandstorm today and he felt miserable.
I am sad that I go back to work on Monday and life is going to change all over again - this time getting even more hectic and crazy.
I am sad because I feel so completely alone.

Thursday Thirteen

2008-06-05T08:48:00.003-05:00

Thirteen Songs I cannot Stand:

1. Tainted Love - Soft Cell: Ever since I heard they were singing about gay sex ... it just killed it for me.

2. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion: Just a bunch of whining if you ask me. And when a love sons becomes EVERYONE'S song ... it loses that special meaning, ya know?

3. Crocodile Rock - Elton John: Actually I really don't like much of ANYTHING by Elton John ... but this song??? La - la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la ... It took a genius to write those lyrics??????

4. I Would do Anything for Love- Meatloaf - (or anything else for that matter) I think all of his songs are way over the top and I just never got into any of the Bat Out of Hell hype.

5. La Isla Bonita - Madonna: Ugh. I just hated it.

6. Mmmm Bop - Hansen: I loved New Kids in my day (don't go there) but these were boys who hadn't even hit puberty!!! Shoot - they were so young they just thought of mmm bop ? My two year old could come up with better words!

7. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden: How many people used this as their wedding song this year? I hated it.It was just ... wimpy.

8. I Don't Wanna Wait (artist? Its that song that was the Dawson's Creek Theme) - AAAHHHH This song just sounded like the show - whiny and annoying.

9. Anything by Macy Gray: I HATE her voice. hate it hate it hate it .... it sounds like she rubbed sandpaper on her throat and then sings through a paper towel tube!!!!

10. Do they Know Its Christmas- Band Aid: Yes, it was touching when it first came out ... but GET over it! There are so many great Christmas songs out there and this one is played ad nauseum every Christmas season. ACH!

11. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm - Crash Test Dummies: I heard this song yesterday, which is what sparked this list. This guy's voice drove me nuts ... let alone the HORRIBLE melody and awful lyrics.

12. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston: So over played. So over the top. Yuck.

13. What if God was One of Us - I forget who sings this ... but the song became exceptionally annoying the SECOND (and 100th) time I heard it!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-04T08:06:00.000-05:00

Government, God and other Thoughts

2008-06-03T12:08:00.002-05:00

So, I normally don't like to express my political/religious views to all .... Lately we have all lost respect for one another and if my views differ from yours, the attacks start to fly.

BUT, I believe strongly about many issues and I guess I am tired of being the one who must be quiet while I listen to everyone else rant about what THEY believe (and usually my views are the ones they are ranting about or attacking).

I HATE abortion. I don't support gay marriage. I think prayer belongs BACK in school, and in our government and in our work place. I don't think it is fair that my sons have to take of their baseball hats and shoes in an airport, while a Muslim can leave his turban on his head because of his "religious" protection.

Where has our America gone?Where has RESPECT for one another gone? Do I truly want a man in office that his lead by a racist church with fundamentals that do even come CLOSE to what MY God would want to acknowledge????? Do I want a woman in office that won't allow a military uniform to be inside the White House, or that wants to respect gay marriage while countless babies are discarded and disrespected every day?

Do I think Bush is the greatest? No .. I don't. BUT, he is my President, and for that, he deserves respect. It is NOT his fault that my husband is away in Iraq. THINK people. Blame the TRUE evil doers. Bin Laden, Hussein .... weren't THEY the ones who used OUR people as weapons????? Should we STILL be there? I am not smart enough to say. But, what I do know is that sometimes I get so sad when I look around at America and think about how my Grandpas would feel when they see what our priorities are. This isn't the country that they fought for. It isn't the country that my husband is fighting for.

I hope that someday we start teaching our children where to place their values. Start making them WORK for a living. Start earning the respect of their elders, their teachers, their parents. Quit letting them think that the world OWES them something, just for being here. God gave us two hands ... let's use them for work and good!!!

I found this blog entry extremely interesting .. and I agree with almost all of it.

http://www.mancow.com/blog?categoryID=1

OK ... I will end my "out of the ordinary" rant. Guess I needed to vent (something I would normally do with Eric at the dinner table).

Weekend and other stuff.....

2008-06-02T20:36:00.005-05:00

Less than one week to "back to work" day. :(

The weekend flew by .... spent TONS of time outside. Even got a little sunburn on my shoulders! Let Big J run through the sprinklers on Saturday ... it was fun until he came running up on the deck and got a splinter in his foot. He went nuts! He kept yelling at me to "leave it in!" He felt better when we had our "picnic" that night, and we ate our grilled burgers with some chips and salsa.

Went to a grad party on Sunday with E's family. It was an enjoyable time ... Big J got to run around and play - it wore him out pretty well.

We walked to the park today ... Big J tripped on the sidewalk and skinned both of his knees... poor kid - cried like you wouldn't believe ... freaked out even more when I put patches on the scrapes! We had fun at the park, though.

Took him to dinner - his favorite: tacos - and he spilled his Orange pop ALL over himself - and me. Then he screamed like someone was ripping his arm off of his body. Lovely. It was such a calming experience (can you sense ANY sarcasm what so ever????).

I am tired. I had a dream about E last night. He had come home, just knocked on the door and said "I'm back." Waking up sucked. I miss him ..... I wonder if the "missing" part ever just subsides for a while .....

High school, again?!??!?!?!

2008-05-31T07:55:00.003-05:00

I graduated high school 16 years ago. When I left, I assumed I was leaving all of the "high school" crap with it.
Apparently, I was wrong. I have had many "friends," coworkers, family members, STILL living in their high school days ... if they aren't, then they haven't left the high school crap with them.

Where am I leading with this? Well, for over two years I have been involved in a Supper Club group ... we cook, hang out, DRINK, have loads of fun. The ladies are all different ages, backgrounds, etc ... there were 6 of us.

On Thursday afternoon, we suddenly get an email from one of the ladies - the host of the next dinner, none the less - saying that she quit. Period. No explanation, nothing. A 50 year old woman cannot "man-up" and wait until she is in front of her "so called friends" to tell them she is ending her friendship with them??

OK ... so we can have a group with 5, and in the meantime we would search for a new member.

I log onto my email last night before I went to bed. ANOTHER effing email from ANOTHER lady saying that it was "time to bow out" .... WTF?????????????

Grow the eff up and TALK to your friends when you are face to face ... don't hide behind your stinking computer screens!!!!!!!!

I was told a LONG time ago to never start, end or discuss friendships, business, etc on email ..... it goes all wrong.

Whatever. Both of these women were over the age of 40 and had clues (so I think).

Now I am pissed. I looked forward to these supper club nights. I planned babysitters .... it was something I could look forward to every month - especially since Eric has been gone.

Guess I should pull out my yearbook and revisit bad mall bangs ... I have entered high school crap once again.

Gray Day

2008-05-30T10:32:00.003-05:00

I woke up to the sound of rain today. little j was sleeping next to me ... and Big J was standing at my bedroom door. I turned and saw an empty side of the bed (the same emptiness that has been there since January). Sad.

A couple girlfriends stopped by for some coffee this morning. That was a nice change of pace ... and I was able to let Big J watch Finding Nemo, instead of running around a coffee shop acting like a nutcase.

While they were here, E called! He only had 5 minutes left on his calling card. He sounded so far away, so tired ... I am sure the heat and jet-lag is having one giant effect on them all. Before I could say good-bye, the call ended ... we ran out of minutes. If he reads this ... "bye, talk to you soon and I LOVE YOU!"

This is going to a a long, rainy day ... and a LONG year...............

I missed him....

2008-05-29T15:32:00.003-05:00

I took the boys over to a friend's house to play with her boys ... we had lunch, played and came home.
There was a message waiting for me when I walked into the kitchen.

I checked the caller ID and it said Out of Area ... I knew before I even hit the play button. I hit play and heard E's voice.

I missed his call. I have told him to call my cell phone - I am trying to get into the habit of carrying it with me every where (the bathroom, the shower, Mass)- but because it is a new service, I have a new number and he cannot remember the number.

:( Now I am going to be sad for a while ... I missed his call ... I just wanted to hear his voice .... those little things sustain me until the next time.

Thursday Thirteen

2008-05-29T07:16:00.002-05:00

13 Foods I HATE (In honor of last week):

1. Goat Cheese - OMG - I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how much I detest this stuff. And stupidly, I ALWAYS give it one more dry ... and every time, it tastes like I put wet, dirty socks into my mouth!!!!

2. Canned Peas - I love fresh peas, snow peas, pea pods ... but peas in a can? The smell alone can send me running. I couldn't even feed baby food peas to my son ... the smell killed me!

3. Okra - what gives with this stuff? Any time I have had it is is nothing but stringy and gross!

4. Edamame - I have NO clue what people see in this stuff. You call it a snack?!?!??!?! Um .... chips, nuts, pretzels ... THOSE are snacks!!!!! Soy beans - or what ever these suckers are? GROSS!!!!

5. Taco Bell - I know, I know. Some people LIVE for this stuff. I used to in college too ... but suddenly it just started tasting like - crappy Mexican food.

6. Liver- Enough said

7. Pork rinds - I had a friend that ate them all the time ... anything that smelled THAT bad could NOT taste good!

8. Tapioca Pudding - It has "things" in it .... gross.

9. Rhubarb - They make pies with this stuff ... I tried to once - I threw the entire plan away!

10. Couscous - I have just never found it to taste even REMOTELY good .... I have cooked it, bought it already made ... all kinds of ways. I always end up just dumping it out.

11. Creamed spinach - I love spinach; but creaming this vegetable is a crime. Yuck.

12. Minced meat pie - What IS it? It smelled like feet.

13. Black licorice - eeewwww (I think it has to do with the very last shot I did on my 21st birthday - Jager bombs - I am gagging just thinking about it).

Wordless Wednesday

2008-05-28T07:05:00.001-05:00

An end is coming ....

2008-05-27T07:50:00.003-05:00

So, I have less than two weeks left of my freedom. Suddenly life seems to start spinning a bit faster than I am ready for. I am not ready to be professional. I am not ready to be held to a schedule! Shoot - I am not even getting 6 solid hours of sleep each night!!!!!

With the 2 weeks that I have left I am going to use it as vacation. Do NOTHING. Maybe we will go to the zoo (if our CRAP ASS Chicago weather ever leaves), or to a museum or something. Stuff that I cannot do with these little guys while I am working.

Memorial Day weekend was nice. We had a cookout on Sunday with friends ... it was nice. Chaotic with all of the kids running around, but they all had a blast. Yesterday I took the boys to a Memorial Day Mass at church. It was much needed and very therapeutic. Fr. Tom helped ease some of the pain I am feeling.

I took the boys to dinner at Durty Nellie's - enjoyed a beer and a burger. We played kickball and softball and then called it a night.

Now the weather is COLD COLD COLD .... I think today will be a grocery store, movie day!!!!!

Goodbye....

2008-05-26T08:57:00.002-05:00

To my dear sweet husband.....

We will miss you. Be safe. Don't be afraid ... we think of you always and pray for you every day.

You will be missed. Every tear we cry will be one less we will have to shed once you return.

We always talk about you ... we know you are always with us in spirit. Know that we are with you on spirit as well.

I know God will remain with you all day, every day. The angels will be watching out for you too.

You are our hero ... you always have been ... and you always will.

We love you.

Tears

2008-05-24T21:51:00.002-05:00

Memorial Day weekend has always been a fun one for me. It always signifies the start to summer ... but I have NEVER forgotten, nor allowed others to forget, why we "celebrate" it.
Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII, one for the Navy and one for the Marines. I always remembered them on this weekend.
Suddenly I am thrust into a new genre this year ... I am suddenly facing the fact that my precious husband is one of those men we are honoring this Memorial Day. My husband will one day call himself a Veteran.
I was watching the Cubs game this evening and saw the new Budweiser commercial. It shows troops in an airport walking from/to their plane and people in the airport start to clap. The screen fades to black and it simply says "thank you." I had to stop myself from crying into my dinner.
Let us not forget why we are all enjoying a long three day weekend. Let's remember those who have gone before us, who are gone now, and who will someday go. The are truly our heroes ... let's teach our children that. I am so sick of our "heroes" being from Hollywood. My Grandpas didn't fight for that. Neither will my husband.

Friday Fill-ins

2008-05-23T19:35:00.004-05:00

1. On my laziest day I like to watch nothing but old reruns and stay in my Gap lounge pants and a big T-shirt.

2. A clean and organized house makes me feel like I'm being productive.

3. I love little boys and big smiles on their faces .

4. This summer I want to lose 50 pounds (no joke or exaggeration!).

5. Jen's idea to keep a journal for E while he was gone made me start my blog.

6. Red licorice and orange Popsicles .

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with the boys and having a drink ... tomorrow my plans include lunch with Jen, Ace Hardware, and working in the yard and Sunday, I want to have a cookout with some friends and enjoy some good conversation.

Thursday 13

2008-05-22T07:53:00.002-05:00

13 foods I love

1. Oreos .... these are either man's greatest invention ... or the devil's greatest temptation. Don't even get me STARTED about Double Stuff! :)

2. Cool Ranch Doritos - yummy!

3. Cedar Plank Grilled Salmon - heavenly and delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Nachos - especially from Champps Bar and Grill - so good - but SO bad!

5. Chopped Salads ... just when you think you are eating healthy you realize there is more bacon and cheese in these things than in most BLT's! :)

6. Cake Batter ice cream from Cold Stone ..... mmmmmmmm

7. Hamburger - I don't mean lame ass burgers from Mickey D's ... I mean BURGERS .... thick juicy burgers with all kinds of junk on top!

8. Bacon .... the smell of it makes me drool. I love it on burgers, salads, with eggs, on bread ... anywhere! Its what I crave after I drink too much the night before!

9. Sugar Cookies .... they have to be BIG and CHEWY! YUM!

10. Smoked Cheese - Gouda, Cheddar, Mozzarella - just give me that smoky flavor and I am happy!

11. Club Sandwiches (see number 8) .... so good!

12. French fries - they have to have just the right amount of salt and even a little spice. Throw in some ranch dressing and ketchup!! AAAHHHHH!!

13. Anything my Mom makes for me! :)

Wordless Wednesday

2008-05-21T07:47:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks

2008-05-20T20:47:00.015-05:00

If ever time has flown by, it has certainly been the past 4 weeks. It seems like JUST yesterday I was waiting to go to Florida ... and now, I am home, E has come and gone and reality is smacking me in the face.

Florida WAS great. The first week I was there we were busy getting ready for Jessica's wedding. Lots of running around and helping my Mom, but I made sure to get in the pool every day with Big J and even had some time to go get a pedicure with my Mom. Dad never let a happy hour pass us by - so all in all it was a GREAT start to my "vacation."

The wedding festivities were lots of fun ... busy and chaotic ... but fun. The boys behaved SO well ... all of my worry was all for not! Big J helped everyone and even fell asleep during the reception. I did have a lot of hands to help with things ... but I was so proud of them.
My sister looked beautiful and the wedding was gorgeous ... from the programs to the candy buffet she designed. There were a few minor glitches - a groomsman decided to be a lame-ass and start a fight (Dad had to have him kicked out) and she realized she had left her tiara and jewelry back home while we were getting ready that day! But - all things were salvaged and I must say .... the three of us are married off and we all did it with class and beauty!

I got back last Tuesday night - my Mom came back until Saturday morning. We shopped and hung out - it was so awesome to have here here! She was able to watch the boys on Friday night so E and I could go to dinner on our own. THAT was nice. We haven't done that in MONTHS.

E and I took the boys in for family pictures on Saturday. They turned out great - but my lasting impression was I NEED TO LOSE SOME MAJOR WEIGHT!!!!!!!!

He left yesterday. My heart broke. I could hardly let him go when we were at the airport. He is going to be so far away for so long. Can I do this? I don't WANT to... at all.

Depressed, depressed, depressed

2008-05-19T12:31:00.002-05:00

I know, I know ... I haven't been on in over three weeks and I immediately post something about being depressed? But .... E was home for the final time this weekend. It was an emotional visit ... good in some ways, bad in others.
Big J is so clingy to him .... he ended up in our bed every night. He keeps walking around saying "Daddy doesn't have to go to Iraq anymore!" .... it is breaking my heart.
I will update more later about my trip to Florida, etc ... but for now ... I take my husband to the airport in two hours and then I will have one good, long cry fest.

A bit about me ....

2008-04-25T11:58:00.004-05:00

1. How old will you be in 3 years? 37
2. Do you think you'll be married by then? Already married ... Since Sept 2004
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months? Hard to say ... Right now, my trip to Tampa and then ... who knows.
4. Who was the last person you called? My Dad
5. Have you ever played a team sport? Yes - basketball in grade school. At least 10 years of softball (maybe more), intramural in college: floor hockey, flag football; and I started the inaugural Girls Rugby Team down at UCF.
6. Who was the last person to text you? my sister, Jessica
7. Who was the last person you hugged? my ob/gyn, this morning
8. What were you doing at midnight last night? Feeding Joseph
9. Parents separated/divorced/married? Happily married for 36 years
10. Last time you saw your dad? One month ago
11. What happened at 9:00 a.m. today? I was in the Starbucks drive thru waiting to go to my doctor appointment
12. How many states have you visited? 14
13. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be? With my husband on vacation
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? bare feet
15. Are you a social person? Yes, I am, most of the time.
16. What was the last thing you drank? Starbucks
17. Favorite ice cream? Cold Stone's Cake Batter
18. What is your favorite dessert? Oreo Cheesecake
19. Whats your favorite color? blue
20. What Jelly do you put on your PBJ? grape or strawberry
21. Do you like coffee? Yes, especially these days
22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average? 6 nor 7?
23. What do you drink in the morning? coffee
24. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring? ew - gross ... without
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes, the left side (even without hubby here!).
26. Do you know how to play poker? kind of
27. Whats so good about Fridays? its the end of the work week ...when E was home it usually meant a night out
28. Any plans to visit the green monkeys on GoofyAuctions.com? ???
29. Do you eat out or at home more often? now-a-days ... at home
30. How big is your TV? 60"
31. Ever stolen a street sign? Nope - but we took a blinky.
32. Do you keep a piggy bank? Yes, but it is an old cup from the Tampa Superbowl!
34. Have you ever been in an ambulance? no
35. Do you prefer the ocean or a pool? pool
36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? aisle seat
38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? shoes ... or clothes that fit
39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? yes, my rings, watch and necklaces
40. Do you speak any other language? does toddler speak count?
41. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
42. Who is the funniest person you know? my sister, Jeanna
43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I did before I got married! I had a teddy bear someone gave me when I was 13
44. What is the main ring tone on your phone? The intro to Sweet Child of Mine
45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? yes
46. What is the color of your bedroom wall? white
47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? Yes
48. Are you crushing on someone right now? nope
49. Do you currently hate someone? always
50. Why do you take surveys? I get paid

Thursday 13

2008-04-24T13:49:00.002-05:00

13 reasons I cannot WAIT to get to Florida:

1. 8 extra hands ALWAYS there to help

2. Watching my baby sister walk down the aisle

3. I can get a tan

4. I can GUARANTEE we will NOT see HIGHS in the 50's!

5. Hanging out with my family

6. Getting some spa time with my Mom

7. Joshua will have CONSTANT playmates

8. I can drink and party with the rest of 'em

9. Eating some good cooked meals (since I haven't done much of that lately)

10. Getting away from the daily grind

11. Green grass, leaves on trees, flowers

12. I can yell for help at 3:00 am

13. When I get back I will STILL have 3 weeks left of Maternity leave!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-23T07:34:00.003-05:00

Mommy's Closet

2008-04-20T22:03:00.007-05:00

Joshua's latest game is "I am Mommy." I think the MAIN reason he likes this game is because he tries to do stuff I tell him he cannot do. While he is Mommy, I am Big J. I am told to sit down, finish my dinner, etc. While I was getting some bills paid this weekend, Big J went through my closet (he is enthralled with my closet lately, daily, I get the question, "Mommy, can I play with your shoes?") and decided to play dress-up. Luckily, the boy in him came out, my straw hat became a cowboy hat (but my purse was still a purse!).

My Best Friend

2008-04-19T14:51:00.005-05:00

Remember those days, back in high school, where you HATED Valentine's Day, or Homecoming Week or Prom season, when you were depressed because it seemed that EVERYONE had a boyfriend except you? Remember how you felt when girls were getting roses, kisses by their lockers, or were telling stories of their dates the weekend before. Were you jealous? Depressed? Pissed off? I am ALL of those things right now. I go to dinner with the boys and suddenly it seems EVERYONE around me is with someone. I watch the Cubs game and all I see are couples, couples, couples. I go for a walk with the boys and I see Moms AND Dads with their kids at the park, going to lunch, running errands. I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible. He is my best friend. Sometimes we don't act like best friends... shoot... sometimes you have to wonder if we treat our enemies better, but, in the end, there is no one else in this world that I would want to share my life with. I see that more now than ever. I gave my rings to the jeweler today to be cleaned and polished. Now I feel more alone than ever. I feel like he is getting further and further away from me the more that time goes on, and, technically speaking, he will be. Iraq is a LONG way away. His return date isn't even determined, heck, his LEAVE date isn't even determined. I just want him to go ... so that I can have him back.

I miss him.

Happiness

2008-04-18T08:08:00.008-05:00

There ARE good things that happen in my life (do I just seem to write about the crappiness of it all?).

The past two days have been BEAUTIFUL. Seventy degree weather, long awaited, and MUCH loved.

We took a LONG walk to a park yesterday (those double strollers weigh a TON). Probably did a bit too much (I am VERY sore today), but, wow, what fun. Big J was a blast. Not one ounce of whining, asking for Max and Ruby or Dora, or wanting to get into something he isn't supposed to be in.

He played on the swings, slides, ladders .... he did it all. And he loved every minute of it. And as I watched him I realized that my little baby boy suddenly became my little boy ..... Its bittersweet. Even though there are times I could just send him to his room for the entire day, I love him with everything that I am. His smile melts my heart and his blue eyes show me that the future can be happy.

Oh what a trip to the park can do for someones psyche!

Claustrophobia

2008-04-17T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well, have now entered hour FOUR of Joseph not calming down, screaming, thrashing and going nuts.

He has eaten, his diaper is clean, he is NOT gassy. I have burped him, rocked him, walked with him. Oh dear God, if this is the start of colic... shoot me now.

I have dinner dishes sitting on the kitchen table ... that Caesar salad I ate will NEVER scrape off of my wooden bowl if I don't get to it soon. My laundry will surely start to smell if I don't get it into the drier soon.

These are the times that I start to feel the walls closing in around me. It gets hard to breathe. I feel the panic welling up in my throat.

Can I please just catch a break a few a good nights in a row?

Thursday Thirteen

2008-04-17T07:47:00.003-05:00

13 Songs that I Have to Turn Up in the Car (regardless of who hears):

1. Ride the Wind- Poison

2. Dreams - Van Halen

3. Superstitious - Stevie Wonder

4. Don't Go Away Mad - Motley Crue

5. Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford

6. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne

7. Don't Treat Me Bad - Firehouse

8. Walk - Pantera

9. One - Metallica

10. Just Rewards - Saul Williams

11. Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys

12. You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC

13. Night Moves - Bob Segar

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

Biggest Loser

2008-04-15T20:40:00.002-05:00

I am watching The Biggest Loser (as I eat my strawberries and Cool Whip) and starting to feel motivated (isn't that the REAL reason we watch this stuff?). Too bad I cannot DO anything physical yet.

I can diet all I want, but what I have learned about myself is that if I am not pushing myself with the exercise, I lose the battle with the food.

It also doesn't help that I am an emotional eater. I am a bored eater. I am a mindless eater.

When I am sad I eat. When I am bored, I eat. When I am lonely, I eat.

I know I started my "diet" on April 1. I am doing "OK" ... not good, but "OK". My doctor appointment is on April 25th. I am hoping she will give me the green light to start working out. I will be in Florida for a couple weeks and when I come back, I am already signed up for Spin classes.

Obviously, I won't be able to go to all that I want (I used to do the 6AM class when Eric was here), since the classes start at 9, once I go back to work. But when I can, I will be there.

I WILL be the biggest loser .... and my husband is going to come back to the hottest wife.

Clothes Woes

2008-04-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

Argh!!!

Frustration seems to be my middle name lately! Now, I KNOW I just had a baby a month ago, blah, blah, blah. But when, oh WHEN, is this swelling going to go away?!

I have a trip to Florida in TWO weeks and I have absolutely NOTHING to wear!!!! I am even having a hard time getting NEW stuff - since my belly is at least two sizes bigger than the rest of me!!!

When can I hit the gym and go to a spin class???????

Cute moment

2008-04-12T21:19:00.002-05:00

So, I put Joshua to bed at 8:00. My girlfriend read him a bedtime story, I said prayers with him, and I kissed him good night. I always allow him to read his book if he wants, as long as he stays in bed. Typically, I go up and check on him 15 minutes later and he has crawled under the covers and fallen asleep.
I was sitting downstairs, enjoying the fact that BOTH boys were in bed, finishing my glass of wine and watching Dirty Dancing when I heard something upstairs.
I went to check on the boys. Joseph was still sleeping well. When I opened Joshua's door, there he was sitting by his nightlight with books scattered all around him and he was reading.
He said, "I am OK Mommy, I am just reading this book. I am OK. I will lay down when I am tired."
Aw! As much as I wanted him in bed, I am happy he is quiet and reading. Maybe this means I will get some extra sleep out of him tomorrow morning! It was one of those moments that brought tears to my eyes ... and I want to remember for a long time (especially during his next tantrum).

Work Update

2008-04-12T15:33:00.002-05:00

Got a call on Thursday from my boss and HR. They were having JUST as much trouble with the case nurses as I was.
They thought it was ridiculous that they were trying to start me off in the middle of the week ... so I have my June 9 start date back (thank GOD!) HR said that, yes, my 12 week FMLA protected period was up on the 4th, but if my boss didn't mind (and what do ya know - he has a heart) I could start on that Monday.
In the meantime, ANOTHER case nurse called on Friday, my boss told me to ignore it and that we had the whole thing figured out.
THANK GOD!
Once again ... I am going to try and NOT think about work until the eve of June 8th! :)

Thursday Thirteen

2008-04-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

13 Things I love about babies

1. They smell good after a bath

2. They smile when they are dreaming

3. Giggles

4. When they see you, they get excited

5. They grow every day

6. Wrinkles in their skin

7. Baby size noses

8. They grip your finger when you hold their hands

9. Cuddling

10. Footie pjs

11. Soft skin

12. Baby kisses

13. When they are FINALLY sleeping, it is truly peace on earth

Depressed and Irritated

2008-04-08T11:21:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when you are depending on other people to take care of your livelihood - someone always seems to eff it up?
I get a message this morning from a case nurse at my job stating that no one received my C-section confirmation statement from the doctor and because of that, my pay was going to be suspended. Well, I spoke with ANOTHER case nurse last week who CONFIRMED that my fax was there and that my return to work date would be June 9 - 8 weeks paid and 4 weeks of unpaid FMLA.
So ... I get a call back - after MY return phone call to this lady - stating that she called my doctor and that part is fine, but my return to work date was MAY 9 (dude, I am not even going to be back from Tampa at that point!) because I had run out of FMLA?!??! WTF!!!
So, I had to correct her, like FIVE freaking times. She finally says, oh your boss hasn't approved your final 4 weeks (What does he think ... if he doesn't approve it that I will be back sooner? I have the law on my side buddy - and I am using every last minute of it!) ... and the date they had originally given me was wrong.
Now I return to work on June 4, a Thursday. This means that my LONG effing day in the office is that Friday, June 5. I don't know if I will be quite ready for that in a matter of one day! Day care by 6:45am, train by 7:00am, office by 8:30am, train by 4:57pm, day care by 6:00pm, home no sooner than 6:30pm. God HELP me! I may be burning a vacation day very quickly upon my arrival back! I thought maybe I would be able to EASE back to the dreaded office.... I guess that is a no go.
I am just totally depressed and irritated... and wondering what phone call I will get next telling me what is going wrong!
UGH!

Spring?!

2008-04-07T14:47:00.002-05:00

Thank GOD the weekend weather was FINALLY what we have all been waiting for! Mid-sixties both Saturday and Sunday. I swear, I felt like a totally different person all weekend. Joshua had a hard time leaving the TV, but he got to play with some friends and I think the running around did him a lot of good.
It felt great to have the sun warm my face and to take a walk without shivering! I probably overdid the walking, etc. I keep forgetting I am still recovering from MAJOR ab surgery only three weeks ago!
I will say that I found myself getting jealous a few times this weekend. Seeing couples taking their children for walks or to lunch ... I miss my husband SO MUCH. I just want him to go and get this whole deployment thing over and done with. I want him home with me ... with us. I love him ... and I am so proud of him. But ..... walks and lunches would certainly sustain me during 3:00am, 3:30am and 4:00am wake up calls!

Venting and censorship

2008-04-05T08:42:00.002-05:00

Got into it with Eric yesterday. When he called and explained to me that the military changed their minds on, yet, ANOTHER, set of dates - I lost it. I couldn't believe that an organization could be so completely DISorganized. I think the part that I am most upset about is that I want to see my husband before he leaves the country for a year ... and it doesn't sound like I will be able to. That is hard to swallow.
So .... I went off. And pissed Eric off in the process. He said I was being unsupportive. That irritates me a bit .... how can he tell the woman that is at home with his two sons night after night, taking care of bills, contractors, the house, family, etc that she is being unsupportive.
But, I did feel bad. The phone calls that we have been able to share are going to become few and far between when he leaves for Iraq. Why do I want to waste my precious air time venting to him about the stupid military? We talk about them enough. Isn''t that why I am doing this blog - to vent without upsetting anyone?
So .... I will try from now on, to NOT be so hasty in my remarks when he calls. I cannot censor ALL of my feelings - I will just be a better judge of which ones to express and which ones to express - elsewhere.

Friday Fill-ins .... and other stuff

2008-04-04T09:11:00.002-05:00

Its amazing what a better night sleep can do for a person ... Joseph cooperated much better last night. We went to Target yesterday and switched his formula. Target makes a brand that has broken down whey protein, with 1/4 less lactose (the same as Good Start - which Joshua had to use) ... the good thing - its STILL $12 less per can then the Good Start and $20 less per can than Enfamil .... WHY would I buy the other stuff. I checked the can - it is all EXACTLY the same ingredients, I am just not paying for advertising dollars! So ... hopefully this formula switch can lead to kinder, gentler nights!
Trying to plan my next few weeks - I have a lot to do .... easy to out Joshua into day care ... but Joseph is still too young. I am going to need my haircut before my sister's wedding, maybe a few tanning sessions ... I just have to find time to get someone to come watch the little dude while I go about my business.
Wondering when my C-section belly will go away. I still don't feel comfortable wearing normal people pants (the gut still sticks out and the bruising is still pretty low on my tummy) ... I have one month till my trip to Tampa and my sister's wedding ... I need to figure this thing out. I have been doing pretty well on my diet - sticking to my 1600 calorie limit pretty well .... we will see how I do over the weekend!!!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins:
1. Tonight I saw (I will see) a friend for dinner.

2. Good music at a wedding makes me want to dance!

3. Spitting a few appetizers between friends is something I LOVE to do!

4. My friend Christy is someone I would like to get to know better.

5. Cubs games, lilacs and lawnmowers remind me so much of springtime.

6. I went to bed at 9:00 last night and that made it all better.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I am looking forward to having my girlfriend over for dinner and chatting tomorrow my plans include lunch with a dear friend and Sunday, we will head to Mass and maybe the Forest Preserve for a long walk in the 60 degree weather.

Party All Nite II

2008-04-03T09:21:00.002-05:00

Another all nighter. This one started earlier though. Put the boys down at 7:00 (Joshua had no nap at school and was a real cranky pants). Thought I might have an extra hour to watch a bit of TV, talk with Eric or just sit and veg.
Joshua went right to bed. Joseph wanted to hang out. I brought him downstairs with me and he appeared to pass out around 8:00. I brought him upstairs. I BARELY made it to the bottom stair when the screaming started.
And then the game began, again. He was an awake, alert little boy from then until 10:30. Then we had gas plain issues until 12:00. Then it was play time again. Every freaking half hour he was whining or crying. I brought him into bed with me at 1:30. He fought everything until about 2:00 .... when I finally passed out. I woke up at 4:00 and figured I would put him in his bed. BIG MISTAKE. The crying began again and I had to hold him until 5:00. I went back to bed and passed out until Joshua started yelling at me at 7:00.
I am beyond exhausted. I am so exhausted I don't even feel tired any more. God did NOT want parents to go at this alone. How do people do it? Really? I know people do every day. I know some have their families there to help, but every night? What do they do?
I remember when Joshua used to have these nights. When I felt like bashing my head into the wall, I turned to Eric to help me out. Now, I just bash my head into the wall.
I have tried everything ... taking a break, counting to ten, saying a prayer, crying ..... it all just adds up to the same stuff - I am exhausted and want help.

Thursday Thirteen

2008-04-03T08:25:00.003-05:00

13 Things that Drive me NUTS

1. People who cannot pick up their feet. If you cannot lift your heel the way we were taught, do NOT wear flip-flops. clogs or shoes two times too big for your feet. And do NOT walk one inch behind me throughout the entire mall!

2. Slow drivers in the left lane. Dude, get the hell out of my way. I am so glad the text message you are typing is so freaking important ... but I have somewhere to be ..... move over if you want to drive 45!

3. Daisy on Rock of Love II. OMG - is she really for real?????? She has over-injected lips, alien eyes and she looks like her face might fall off if she cries. And, the way she talks???????? "Dude, I effing love my man Bret, he rocks." Who talks like that??????

4. People who cannot drink a can of pop. Take a freaking sip, already! Do NOT slurp the pop from the lid of the can!

5. Drex in the morning. When I hear his voice I want to regurgitate.

6. People in the grocery store who park their cart in the middle of the aisle while debating between which brand of spaghetti-o's to buy. And when you say, "excuse me" they pretend they don't hear you!

7. People who make a coffee concoction at the cream and sugar bar at coffee shops. Pour your cream, take the sugar packets and your stirrer and get out of the way for the rest of us.

8. Neighbors, walkers, runners who cannot say hello when you walk past them. When did we turn into such a rude world?

9. Crotchety people who make snide comments when they see me walk into a restaurant with my son. He isn't that badly behaved, I try and keep him under control, and I have as much right to eat out as you do.

10. Senior Citizen Discounts. They get breaks on airline seats, trains, buses. Yet, families of middle America struggle to make ends meet. Your butt takes up just as much room as my son's, yet you get a deal, fair????? Nope.

11. People who are walking out of a store or restaurant, know you are behind them, and STILL let the door slam in your face. I hope someday it slams them in their behind. Rude.

12. People who look at something on your plate and say "Eww, what is that?" Um, are we ten? Grow the eff up!

13. People who have to to be the first on/off a train, plane, etc. In order to do this they will knock over a pregnant woman, an old lady or a child.

Official end of freedom scheduled

2008-04-02T13:56:00.004-05:00

Got my official return to work date today: June 9th. I am a free woman until then. It sounds so far away - but when I look at my calendar, it looks like tomorrow.
I am hoping once the weather gets nicer, and I heal some more, I will take advantage of every opportunity I have during this maternity leave. I want Joshua to enjoy his time at home with Mommy (without always watching TV), and Joseph to get the swing of things in this crazy family.
I also want to enjoy the days myself .... get some shopping done, some pampering ... some ME time .... once work starts, those things will be few and far between!!!!
Now .... to just think about the first "me" thing to do.........

An Inventory of my "Incompletions"

2008-04-02T07:54:00.002-05:00

1. Things I want to start but haven't started:
Exercising ... once I get the green light from the doctor I will have no excuses.
Believing that I will survive until Eric comes home.
The T-shirt quilt that I have been wanting to make since 1999.

2. Things I want to change but haven't changed:
My body. Even without the baby I have some parts I have to change.
My attitude - I have to become more optimistic.

3. Things I want to stop but haven't stopped:
Worrying.
Procrastinating

4. Things I started but haven't finished:
Scrapbooking - I so badly want to start back up again.

5. Things I want to do but haven't done:
Have a girls getaway weekend.
Visit Medjugorie.

6. Things I want to say but haven't said:
I want to tell a few "friends" that you are NOT as important as you think and I have no time for you.
I want to tell an ex-boyfriend that his abuse only made me stronger.

7. Things I want to learn but haven't learned:
I want to learn how to sew better.
I want to learn to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to learn how to hook up my entertainment center ... I feel like such a dufus!!!!!

8. Feelings I have but haven't expressed:
Anger towards people who have hurt or ignored my husband.
Sadness over the lack of involvement my in-laws have with my children.

And so it begins .....

2008-04-01T08:16:00.003-05:00

I had to create a separate post for this - since it is just for me. Today is April 1 ... and no fooling .... I start my diet today. I WILL fit into my regular clothes this summer ... I have no choice!!!!!
I am doing http://www.fitday.com/ like I did the last time. I am going to limit myself to 1600 calories a day ... more on the weekends if I want (hey, I girl has to have SOME fun sometimes)! I figure if I go for 1600 and I hit 1800 or so, then I am still doing pretty well.
Obviously I still cannot work out (wish I could - it would be a super way to regroup from these kids) so I will just be concentrating on the food aspect of it all.
My goal? Well - the first part is to just fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. The second part - this comes later - will be to lose that final ten pounds I was going for BEFORE I even GOT preggo with the second!!!!

Wish me luck!!!! It isn't going to be easy since some of the only fun times I get to have during the day is eating! :)

Party All Nite?????

2008-04-01T08:10:00.002-05:00

Well- I have had my first all-nighter with this kid. I laid down in bed at 9:30 .... read my magazine for about a half hour, turned out the light and thought I would have about two or so hours until he woke up. He started screaming at 10. I fed him ..... we then played the up and down game every half hour until FIVE this morning ... when he finally gave up - what drove me the MOST nuts???? He wasn't screaming or crying when I would go in to get him ... he was wide eyed and awake! AGH!
Joshua woke up at 7:00 and I thought I was dreaming ..... at least with one kid you could catch up during the day .... with two ... I have to be on ALL day! I have had my first - of many, I am sure - cup of coffee and I am trying to figure out what we could do today that wouldn't require my eyes to be open!
I really do think God is having a good time with me .... maybe He went on vacation when it came time to plan my life out these past few months. Could He give me ONE break? We all thought this was an easy going baby .... then my parents left and all hell broke loose.
I just don't get it .... I really don't. I know I am blessed - these boys are awesome ... but could I catch a break in raising them ... I think I am going nuts ... really, I do!

Fukudome.......

2008-03-31T17:32:00.002-05:00

I think Sammy Sosa has finally been replaced in this town ..... What an awesome way to have a Home Opener ... a 3-run HR in the 9th!!!!

SWEET!!!!!!!!! Too bad the Cubbies couldn't pull out the victory ... I just hope this promises to be an exciting year! I need all the good distraction that I can get!

A weekend reflection

2008-03-31T12:26:00.004-05:00

The weekend has past. It was a good one - but also a hard one. Had a lot of company both Friday and Saturday ..... but Sunday I was on my own completely. I broke down around 5 .... bath time for Joshua. Had him in the tub, Joseph was screaming, I was still feeling miserable. I just wanted to quit. All I could keep thinking was - I have to do this all on my own for over a year????? Then Joseph was up from 7 till midnight with stomach pains ..... I just cried at one point. What I wouldn't have done to have ONE person call and say "What can I do for you?" because it would have FINALLY been a time that I would have said "I need help." Ugh ... once again, I wonder where some of those "helpful" people are now that the shock has worn off from all the news.
I know it will get easier, doesn't it have to? But right now, I am just not able to clear the fog from my eyes and see a silver lining. I am tired, I am beat, I am overwhelmed. But - I will push on. I have to.
Joshua went to school today ... he hated every second of the drop off ... I literally had to peel him off of my leg. As much as I felt bad for him, I knew he needed a break as much as I do! I plan on getting a nap in at some point this afternoon .... the house is clean, the laundry is done so I am hitting the couch and watching (hopefully) a bit of the Cubs opener.
Speaking of the Cubs .... we finally made it to Opening Day! Don't know if they will get the game in because of the thunderstorms (thank God it isn't snow!). I can handle it!!!! Maybe this will be the year.

Friday fill-ins

2008-03-28T12:07:00.002-05:00

1. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, others for just a moment in time.

2. Poison is the last concert I saw; it was lots of fun, and the 5th time I have seen them.

3. Spring should be here already.

4. Oh no! I forgot to get a form for maternity leave signed when I was at the doctor this morning, now I have to take the boys and make a special trip back to get it done!

5. I've recently started to plan my diet, which officially starts April 1.

6. Joshua and Joseph never fail to make me smile.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I am looking forward to watching a movie with my girlfriend and catching some zzzz's, tomorrow my plans include coffee? maybe lunch out? my other girlfriend coming over for some dinner and wine, and Sunday, I want to get to Mass, clean the house a bit and catch a nap.

Sad ....

2008-03-28T11:52:00.003-05:00

Mom and Dad left this morning. Thank God I had a friend here so I could cry on someones shoulder. Crying seems to come easy these days ... not that I don't have reasons to: Eric deployment is now scheduled to be longer than expected, I am on my own with two kids, Spring looks like it may NEVER get here, I caught the world's WORST cold and I cannot even talk ... on top of all that add the hormones that are raging out of control and I am one big tear making machine.

Its Friday afternoon and I must say, the excitement that I would typically feel on any given Friday is just here. I never thought I would miss having my husband around as much as I truly do. Even with my parents here, there was a huge piece of my life missing that I cannot seem to get past. The problem? I HAVE to get past it ... otherwise, the next year and a half is going to be long and tedious. I know I can do it ... I just don't want to. Maybe I should start playing the lotto .... I could win enough to quit my job, travel whenever I want, hire people to take care of everything, and pay the military off to send my other half home! Wishful thinking, huh?

Joshua is walking around telling me, "Mommy, I am sad because Grandma and Grandpa left." Tell me about it kid! Now - every dirty diaper, every 3 am wake up call, every dirty floor - it is all MY responsibility again.

I have a few friends - and I use the term "friend" VERY loosely - who just do NOT get it. They don't get that not have your husband here for a year and a half changes your life completely. These are the same people that promised they would "help in any way they could" when they found out that Eric was going. Now, he has only been gone for 3 months - with at least 15 or so left - and where are they? It took them two weeks to write and email and say "congrats on your baby"????????? These are - once again - the same people that I went OUT OF MY WAY for when their children were born. Whatever.

I have a theory ... certain things in life help you see who is truly THERE for you - regardless of family or friend - weddings, births and crisis ...... my wedding helped weed out quite a few "friends" .... the birth of Joshua weeded my social circle down a bit more .... and now, this situation that I have been put in? Well, I am finding out family members - on his side AND mine - who are willing to go the extra mile, those who don't quite know the meaning of family, and those who are so self-centered that they don't even know about all of this. The same is true for friends .... I am seeing those who are truly Heaven sent .... and those that can be sent elsewhere.

A little deep for a Friday? Blame it on the hormones. :)

I plan on having a girlfriend over this evening (the same one that was here this nmorning - God bless her) ... we will drink some beer, eat some pizza and watch a movie and maybe some basketball ..... These girls nights are just going to have to replace date nights for a few years for me ......

Thursday Thirteen

2008-03-27T10:07:00.003-05:00

Thirteen Boys that Have been in My life:

1. Clay - the boy we had to carpool with in 1st grade. He carried a Kiss lunchbox and talked too much. I didn't like boys very much after talking with him.

2. Chris- the boy that moved next door in 7th grade. I had the world's biggest crush on him until high school .. once I got a serious boyfriend, he suddenly wanted to pay attention to me!

3. Joe- my first date (although my dad had to drive). Met him my freshman year of high school, talked to him every night by phone for at LEAST 2 hours and took him to my turnabout dance. He was a huge metal fan and we used to watch Headbangers Ball "together" over the phone every Saturday night.

4. Mike - my first "real" date and kiss my Sophomore year. He drove, we went to a movie and he parked his car so he could kiss me. He kissed like a lizard .... that was our first and last date.

5. Brian - my first love. I met him the summer before my Junior year and we were attached at the hip. He was a Senior and left for college. He broke up with me after a year and broke my heart into thousands of pieces.

6. Kevin- was a friend before we dated. He left for the Navy in my Senior year ... we dated whenever he came back to town.

7. Brian - a blonde hair, blue eyed surfer wanna be who took me out on a date two weeks before we were moving out of state. We messed around while watching "The Doors". He kissed so oddly - I ended up with a raw spot over my lip .... but he sure was cute!

8. Ryan - my first Florida boy. Big player. Cute but dangerous.

9. Joe - a rugby player that I look back on and question my judgement. He wouldn't leave me alone after I tried to dump him .... had to lie and tell him I talked with my high school sweetheart (Brian) and we were going to get married .... he finally left me alone!

10. Steve - the alcoholic boy I dated my last two years of college. All he ever wanted to do was drink and party .... but suddenly wanted to get romantic when I was breaking up with him.

11. Rick - the single Dad that proposed way too quickly and then changed his mind. He was skinnier than a girl ... actually bought dress pants in the kids section and he wanted to own the business before he ever swept the floor.

12. Stephen - a good looking guy with a heart of stone. Emotionally abusive and a manipulator. Thankfully I never did anything permanent with him ... I always said if you wanted to picture him, just watch the movie Sleeping with the Enemy and you would know him easily.

13. Eric - my husband. Met him, moved in with him, fought with him, married him, had children with him, watched him be taken away my the US Army, miss him.

Out of the mouths of babes

2008-03-27T10:05:00.001-05:00

So.... my Mom was holding Joseph and he was making noises, smiling and moving around in his sleep. Joshua asked her what Joseph was doing. My Mom told him that he was dreaming .... that he saw pictures in his head from his day. Joshua moved to the back of Joseph, looked at his head and said, "Grandma, I don't see any pictures on his head!!!!"

Thankful

2008-03-25T09:53:00.002-05:00

I had a break! My two girlfriends came to watch the boys so that my Mom, Dad and I could go to dinner by ourselves. It was Heavenly! We went to Pete Miller's ... had an excellent Dirty Martini (man, have I missed those!) and a good Fillet. We had excellent conversation and I was glad I got the opportunity to spend some time with them.
I am going on 4 hours of sleep ..... How the HECK am I going to do this when my parents leave????????? I guess it will be lots of caffeine, finding spare hours for naps, and probably a few tears shed in between.

My birthday......

2008-03-24T15:33:00.002-05:00

Well ... another year goes by and I am one year older. No biggie. I am sad that Eric cannot be here - but I just received a call from him and that was the best gift he could have given me (although I am so appreciative of the GPS he sent me - what a helpful thing that will be once I get back to work). I miss him so darned much.

My parents and I will go out to dinner tonight, while my two girlfriends have so bravely volunteered to watch the boys. I am looking forward to having some time out WITHOUT a child!!!!!

Having a 2 1/2 year old who changes moods like a person blinks is NOT an easy task ...... my nerves are a bit shot .... and I have to do this for a full year?????????? The Lord better give me LOTS of strength ........ and wine drinking buddies!!!!

So .... Now I am a 34 year old mother of two boys.... geesh, who would have thunk? :)

Easter Sunday

2008-03-23T14:24:00.004-05:00

What a weird Easter ..... no E ... never made it to Good Friday service because of 7 inches of snow .... March Madness all weekend (I so suck ......) ...... and my Mom is in MY kitchen cooking Easter dinner.

Took Big J to food blessing yesterday ..... I laughed when Father blessed him with the Holy water - gave him a bit of a shock. It was fun to watch him though.

Mass was nice today ...packed with all the people that only show up once or twice a year .... Big J behaved well and little j slept through it all.

I am off to watch more basketball and get deeper into the hole! :) And to celebrate Easter with the blessing I have been given.

Snow ... sleep and other ramblings

2008-03-21T12:18:00.003-05:00

Snow and no sleep ...... what is worse? I think I will say the snow. What the heck is going on around here?? Yesterday was the first day of spring and today we are planning our Good Friday church around snow bands? Whatever ... I am SO over it.

little j is such a good baby ...until midnight ... the Cinderella's coach turns into a pumpkin. he thinks night is day and day is night. Books say it can take up to THREE freaking weeks to rectify this situation! I knew it was bad when my Dad was in the room at 4:45 trying to get him to sleep!!!!!

He makes this funny cooing noise when he eats .... and every once in a while he lets out a giggle here and there. Its too cute.

Big J likes to give little j Eskimo kisses .... and he wants to carry him around. But he STILL won't let me sit him down and hold the baby for a picture.

Life is blessed ... but I am still irritated about a Winter Storm Warning in Spring and a son who thinks night time is party time!

Oh the joys.......

Thursday Thirteen

2008-03-20T12:41:00.003-05:00

13 men I've had a Crush on from Birth to Present

1. Shaun Cassidy - I played his record until it scratched, kissed the album jacket and cried when I heard he got married. I wonder where he is today?! Da do run run Da do run run!!!!!!

2. Ralph Macchio - It started with Karate Kid II ... then I watch every movie he ever made, even started to watch Eight Is Enough because he was in it!

3. Tom Cruise - Does this one count ...since I no longer have it? But COME ON ... the Volleyball Scene in Top Gun ... could it get any better than that????

4. Johnny Depp - I adored him in 21 Jumpstreet, was sad when Freddy killed him off in Nightmare on Elm Street and even watched Platoon to see his small role.

5. Jon Knight - From New Kids on the Block ... don't say one word ... I was a Freshman!

6. Ashton Kusher (I don't really know how to spell his name) .... I just find him hot for some reason .... kind of a weird one.

7. Jim Rome - Talk to me baby!

8. Bret Michaels - The hair, the band, the abs, the ballads .... oooohhhhhhhh :)

9. Michael Jordan - I have to be honest here ... I was just an icon to me ... with arms of steel!

10. Mark Grace - His blue eyes just did it for me.

11. John Cusak - Ever since she broke his heart and gave him a pen ... I just think he is the cutest thing.

12. Kip Winger ... another one who had eyes has blue as ice!

13. My husband

Pain!

2008-03-19T16:25:00.004-05:00

Why is it that when you CANNOT workout, you feel the fattest? I KNOW I gave birth 5 days ago .... and my stomach feels (and LOOKS) like someone played tackle dummy on it ... but for the love of God, could my appetite go away and my thighs feel just ONE centimeter smaller?!?!?!??!
And the pain I feel! The first one did NOT hurt this bad. It isn't even where they cut - its the bruising that just feels so horrible! Every time I walk or move it jars everything - it is so awful.
AGH!
On a good note - little j went to the doctor today and he is healthy and doing just fine. Big J was also checked - came down with a yucky cold, but he is good too. He will do much better when he stops being so picky about everything he eats! I never thought I would have such a finicky child!!!
Having my parents here really helps the helplessness. It also helps the sadness I feel from E not being here .... gave little j his first bath last night, first doctor appointment today ... so many "firsts" that E is going to miss, and that just makes me sad. So very sad.

Home at last

2008-03-18T07:12:00.002-05:00

Baby Joseph William has arrived. ON TIME - Thank God! My nerves really kicked into high gear right before we were due to go "under the knife" .... next time (don't plan on THAT being any time soon ... God built perfect birth control in for me ... my husband is deployed!) I am going to make sure I ask for some type of anti anxiety drip in my IV!
But - anxiety none the less - Joseph got here at 1:36 on March 14 weighing 7 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of light brown hair and from the first moment, has been a calm little baby.
I am SO happy to be home from the hospital, I cannot even begin to describe it in words! They tell you to get sleep - but they come check you every three hours. Rules about were you can hold your baby, how you can hold your baby ..... ugh. Let me go home, be comfortable and be a MOM!
The pain still exists. I am heavily bruised this time. ????? That is what hurts the most. I look like I have been in a front end collision!
Thankfully my Mom and Dad are here helping with Joshua ... who has actually TOUCHED and HELD baby Joseph.... and are doting on me incredibly.
I am not too tired .... sad that Eric is gone (none of this seems right without him). He was incredible this weekend. I was really able to lean on him on Friday. He was completely there. He brought me a bouquet of the most beautiful red and pink roses, with my fave, gerbera daisies added in. He bonded with Joseph and took care of things at the house. He is my hero and I love him ..... and miss him.
Hopefully I will upload a few pics in later of our new family ....... I am off to feed a child!

Thursday!

2008-03-13T08:31:00.004-05:00

I made it to Thursday ... THANK GOD!!!! My parents will be here in less than 4 hours; E in about 15 hours. Phew. So, that means, unless I suddenly go into a rapid labor, I will have people with me and I am going to be OK!

Nervous? Me? Nah ..... OK ..... Maybe just a little bit. What makes me the most nervous is thinking about getting the epidural. I hate needles as it is. Any needle coming into close contact with my skin .... ick .... I shudder and get light headed just THINKING about them. You know those blood tests where they prick your finger? Yep... I hear bells and see stars with those. So ... an epidural?!?!?!? A needle with the circumference of a snake and the length of a yard stick? Yes - I admit it ... I am NERVOUS!!!!! Everything else? A piece of cake. It doesn't help that with Big J the doctor couldn't get it right ... I got stuck AT LEAST three times. Talk about PAIN! Hopefully I have a BRILLIANT doctor on my end this time!!!!!!!

So ... I will steal an idea from my girlfriend and tell you my

Thursday Thirteen Things I cannot live without:

1. Mass on Sundays
2. Diet Dr Pepper
3. Outings with girlfriends
4. Email
5. Chap stick
6. Summer
7. My family
8. Hair gel/mousse
9. Polish on my toe nails
10. Hugs from my husband
11. Big J
12. Bottled water
13. TV

The countdown begins......

2008-03-12T15:21:00.005-05:00

I feel so empowered, I actually made some changes to my page! Wow!!! :)

Starting to get a bit antsy over here .... every new twinge, pull, pain, movement .... it all sets me into an anxiety free for all. I am SO worried that this kid is going to decide he wants to see the world before we are ready.

Every second that gets closer to when my parents land tomorrow and when E lands tomorrow night, is one second closer to us making it through an entire pregnancy without an emergency. I am PRAYING that it stays that way!

I must say, I am NOT a happy pregnant lady ... all those women who love to rub their bellies because they are so overjoyed .... well - that is SO not me! I would rather deal with the sleepless nights of an infant than with the weight gain, the tents for shirts, peeing every 5 seconds, contractions, constipation, lack of alcohol in my system ....... should I continue or just leave it at that? I LIKE being Mommy .... but not Mommy-to-be!!!!!!

So ..... this child only needs to wait about 24 more hours and I will have people here who can help me ..... in 48 hours ... well .... Welcome to the world little one! so.... the countdown begins .......

Are you still my friend?

2008-03-11T13:18:00.003-05:00

Put Big J to bed last night after a tantrum to end all tantrums. He finally said what I have been dreading, "Mommy I don't want to talk about baby." "I don't want Daddy with baby and me."

So, it is here ... the transition from only child to oldest child. It broke my heart ... now my worry - can I STILL love Big J as much as I always have? Can I show him that he is still special? I know that everyone says it just happens, but, have there been times it just hasn't happened?

He woke up exceptionally early this morning .... I told him he had two choices: sleep in his bed, or sleep in mine. "I sleep in your bed Mommy." After wiggling around for more than an hour (and keeping Mommy awake in the process) he passed out. It was 7:30 when I couldn't lay still any more.

I looked at him - outstretched arms, snoring quietly, and I just loved him. I feel sorry for him, that his Daddy isn't here to give him the Daddy hugs that I know he so needs. I wish I could communicate to him that everything WILL get easier over time. The tears well up in my eyes when I get done punishing him (after he yells for his Dad two or three HUNDRED times), and he looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "Mommy are you still my friend?"

Is it too early to say to him that I don't WANT to be his friend? Friends can break your heart ... Mommies cannot. I don't ever want to break his heart ... so I really don't want to be his friend. I will be his Mommy ... and I will promise to love him all the time ... even when I get so angry at him that I want to scream.

I just hope, come Friday, I will have enough "Mommy love" to give to two gifts given to me.

I will give it a whirl...

2008-03-10T12:11:00.001-05:00

OK - so a girlfriend gave me an idea ... while my husband was deployed, start writing a journal that he could read to keep up with life at home.

I have my 2 1/2 year old son, and our second child is scheduled, via C-section, to show his face this Friday afternoon. So .... Here is my attempt at this 2008 version of a diary.

I happened to be cleaning the other day and found all of my old diaries ... read a few entries. Sometimes, as much as life changes, life stays the same. I am still the same dreamer and hopeful person now, that I was 16 years ago!

I am currently feeling anxious about Friday .... my Mom and Dad fly into town on Thursday afternoon. Eric, my husband, is due in that night. This baby MUST wait until then. Every funny stretch, pull, twinge, tickle that I feel - my mind jumps to overload. What was that? Am I in labor? Holy Crap - who do I call now? Then I calm down and all is right with the world again.

I am waiting for Big J to wake up from his early nap - what a BRAT he was this morning - they need to put day cares in the center of grocery stores! We are then going to go get some Shamrock shakes (yes - I am allowing myself to eat this for lunch ... I deliver a baby on Friday ... what do I care what I eat this week?!?!?!??!) and then I am off to work .... yippee.